Faith not Sight

I was discussing with a close friend of mine tonight about the deep yearning in my heart to see my baby boy again. I can smell him, I can hear his raspy voice, I can feel his oddly large hands, I can remember the joy in my heart when he gives me his big toothy grin with eyes squinting and all.

I've never felt this kind of longing before, but I should have. I am slowly realizing that this is the exact longing that Jesus desires from me. I've always known the verse "We live by faith, not by sight" but it has suddenly hit home. A little too hard.

Heaven has always been exciting to think about. I've always been excited when thinking about seeing my Savior face to face. But I don't recall ever having the heart wrenching ache where my whole body is physically and emotionally longing to see Him.

This is where the faith comes in, and not so much the sight. I was able to see Tucker. I physically felt him. I heard his voice. I didn't have to experience him through faith because he was there. Jesus on the other hand requires a great deal of faith to experience him.

Even though I have not physically seen Jesus with my eyes, He is there. I have not physically touched him, but He is there. As He is revealing Himself more and more to me, my heart is beginning to ache to see Him in a way I never knew was possible.

So this is my desire. Just in case you're interested.

I desire to long to see my Savior. Until that day comes, I will continue to try to live each day with a little more faith than the last.

Heart of a Daddy

God chose Nathan to be Tucker's daddy. This was not a mistake, a fluke, a coincidence. God knew that Tucker would only be with us for almost 15 months and that Nathan had every quality he wanted Tucker to have in an earthly daddy. I would love to share with you the heart of Tucker's daddy who I so proudly call my husband. This is the letter that Nathan wrote to his little boy and read at his funeral.

Dear Tucker,

Daddy loves you more than you could possibly know. Every day God gave us together was the most precious gift. I want you to know that you taught daddy how to love in a way that I never thought I could. You showed me unconditional love and what it means to have a joyful heart. I can never express how proud you made daddy!

Every night that I got to hold you and sing "Jesus Loves Me" made me eternally grateful to Jesus for giving you to me and mommy. I miss you so so much and I will ache until the day I get to see you again. Everything you did made me love you more!

I especially loved the mornings you would follow me around step for step as if you were my shadow always looking for something to get into. Fear could never overcome your curiosity or desire to get into something. Your tenacious and adventurous spirit was hard to contain.

Daddy always prayed over you that one day you would be a warrior for Jesus and the man I've hoped to be. And though I'm at a loss for understanding and my heart is broken, God answered my prayer. Your life has revealed the power of the body of Christ and shown people Jesus.

Daddy is having a hard time with the idea that I won't be able to play ball, or wrestle, or play blocks, or do free throws anymore. I could hardly wait to start teaching you how to shoot a basketball or hit a baseball. But these were always daddy's plans. Jesus had a different plan for your life. You are so precious to Him that He called you home so you could be together and be spared from the sin and brokenness of this world. And for now, I take comfort in this.

However, there will always be a part of mommy and daddy's heart missing until the day we get to see you again in Heaven. From now until that day, I will always be thinking about you! You are and always will be my Bubbs. And daddy is so proud of you!

I love you,

Daddy

Mighty Warrior

"The Lord is with you, Mighty Warrior." Judges 6:12

At this point I am sure everyone who reads this is aware that we lost our precious son Tucker a week ago on February 28th. Nothing can prepare you for that phone call, that tragic moment when you keep asking yourself "is this real?" That moment when the only thing you can do is cry out to the Lord in desperation to save your baby boy.


Tucker was a special one. Tucker will never have to experience the brokenness and sinfulness that comes with living in this world. Tucker is with Jesus. I ache for the day I will see him in my Savior's arms.


I never did well with writing on here and I probably still won't, but I know that we have an enormous amount of people praying for us and a lot of unanswered questions.


Last Tuesday I layed Tucker down for a nap around 5:00 pm. My last moments with him were him falling asleep in my arms and then laying him down in his crib. He woke up several times to look up at me as I was walking out but I rubbed his back until he finally fell asleep.


Nathan returned home from work around 6:30 and we talked about how Tucker seems to be catching a cold lately so we decided to just let him sleep for a little bit. I kissed Nathan goodbye as I headed out to coach a thirty minute private cheerleading lesson.


In the middle of my lesson, my phone rang. My neighbor was frantically telling me to come home and the only thing I said was "who is it?" Tucker. It was Tucker. That drive home was me screaming to the Lord "please don't take him" and an utter disbelief that this was happening.


Nathan decided he didn't want to wait for Tucker to wake, he was ready to see and play with his boy, only to find that when he touched him there was no response. I weep and cringe when I think what his daddy had to go through with trying to revive him on our living room carpet, the same carpet Tucker drags all his toys on to play. Our neighbor/friend Amber came over and did CPR on little Tuck before the medics showed up.


As I pulled up, Tucker was already inside the ambulance and they were still working on him. Neighbors I didn't even know were on their knees in our yard praying fervently. Once at the hospital, I somehow found my way back to the room where little Tuck was laying on the table in his diaper I remembered just changing while a team was around him attempting to bring him back to us. Nathan and I just held up our hands to God and cried out to him to please save our son.


I knew that when the Doctor started saying "anyone have any ideas" that it was over. I knew that are baby boy was with Jesus. We laid our hands on him, we prayed over him, we told him to be with Jesus, we kissed those sweet cheeks, we stroked that long hair, and then finally we sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him for the last time.


I sat in my kitchen a few days before Tucker passed and poured out my heart to the Lord. I remember I kept saying the phrase "Lord, just please let me him know you." I asked the Lord to start working in Tucker's little heart so the he may know the Lord and follow him. That's all I could ask for and the rest was up to the Lord on what he wanted to do with his life.


Tucker knows Jesus now. More than I do. The coroner explained to us that the cause of death was something so subtle that after eliminating every possible scenario nothing was making sense except to say it had to of been arrhythmia. The Lord decided to use tucker's little heart to take him to be with Him so that Tucker may know him.


We are confused, we are hurting, the pain feels unbearable at times, but then the Lord will show up in a very subtle way to remind us that He is here. Just like Tucker went to be with him in a subtle way.


The kingdom has never felt so close. It is our absolute desire for Tucker's life to be used to bring glory to our Lord's name. Nathan's prayer over Tucker was to be a warrior for Christ. We've never been so proud of him.


Words will never be able to express our experience with body of Christ that the Lord is using to envelope us in such a time as this. The outpouring of prayers and encouragement have played such a role in helping us cope through the pain and remember that Jesus has conquered death. This is not it.


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


It is not sufficient....but thank you.


In Christ and in Love,


Amy Hill

*December* (Yes I know it's February)

Here are the first few weeks of our little man's life. These were also the hardest weeks of our lives. Not going to sugar coat it. He did not sleep at night. Not only did he not sleep but he wanted to scream a lot. The practical thing to do would be to sleep during the day while he was sleeping. But I couldn't help but stare at his precious little face and take a million too many pictures of him while he was not crying. So this caused me to become a walking zombie. And at night I was just a plain crazy person.

Thankfully, he figured it out. I woke up panicked one morning at 4 am realizing that he has been asleep for 6 whole hours and has not woken up to eat. I did what everyone tells you that you are going to do. I got down by his swing and just stared at him for 5 minutes straight watching his chest rise up and down. He was breathing and he has been breathing ever since.

Tucker's first smile :)

His converse shoes that Minnie made for him

Tucker's BFF Asa

Then there were three

Cousins first Christmas

No matter how sleep deprived you are, nothing can warm your heart more than that precious face. :)

I'm Back...

I am absolutely THRILLED to say that our little bubby Tucker Hill is now blessing us with his presence in our lives. :) He was born on December 8th which makes him not quite a month old yet. He is absolutely precious and we can't get enough of him. You would think I would post a picture of him right here and I was actually going to until I realized I am on my work laptop where there are no pictures of him to post. I am committing to becoming better at blogging (esp. since my sister pretty much said my blog was an epic fail) so there will be pictures soon.

Labor. Really tough. I blame it on my sister. I witnessed her go through a pain free, laughing out loud, watching a basketball game labor with BOTH sons. Obviously she had an epidural and obviously I was totally sold on having THAT. In fact, throughout my pregnancy that was the one thing I did in fact know for sure about. Anytime a doctor asked about my birth plan....the only thing I would say was "epidural."

Nathan and I get to the hospital about 2:30 in the morning. This is after I sat in bed for a little while trying to convince myself that maybe just maybe these were contractions that I was feeling. By the time I got there I was at a 5. I politely asked for my epidural and they politely said that a "few" things needed to happen first such as paper work, lab results, delivery room availability, anesthesiologist to wake up....before I could get it. Okay...thinking I guess I can handle this pain a little while longer.

Then things got painful. And I mean everything you just learned in birthing class over the past two months and breathing exercises that we were supposed to be practicing just in case you decided not to go the epidural route....allll goes out the window. I found that my only coping mechanism was to grab the hospital bed rails with both hands and quit breathing in hopes that maybe I would pass out and not have to deal with the pain anymore. Poor Nathan was amazing, but at that point I would just start shaking my head every time he went into the "hee-hee-hoos."

So the nurse decides to check me again. I saw the look of shock and somewhat panic on her face as she said "umm...you're at a 10." For some reason I progressed crazy fast and the anesthesiologist was still no where to be found.

I DID finally get my epidural. I barely made it and by the grace of God I was able to relax and enjoy giving birth to my son. It's almost humorous now looking back at how I just thought you would go in and they would give you an epidural immediately upon request. You would laugh and take pictures....maybe even apply some makeup and fix your hair so you can be one of those girls who everyone says "wow...you look great giving birth!"

And to all my friends who are planning on the natural birth, you will be great! I am not great at pain. Everyone knows this about me. I had no intention of feeling a muscle cramp throughout labor and delivery. When God said that child birth was going to be painful for women, He was not messing around. But he also says that He will not give us anything that we cannot handle. And that's just great.

So that is the process of Tucker making his grand entrance. Nothing can prepare you for that moment when you first see him, touch him, hear him...something literally transforms inside of you and nothing else matters but this little being that you have become so close to over the past 10 months.

I am excited to start blogging again and sharing our stories as we are trying to figure out mommy and daddy hood. And next time....there will be pictures. :)

Overwhelmed.

I officially feel like I am the worst mom and I am not even a mom yet. I think about everything that I need to do everyday. I make lists. I look at endless amounts of "baby things" online everyday. And I still have not done a thing. I went to some consignment sale in rogers the other night thinking that this is finally it. I am finally going to start purchasing baby items and this whole thing is going to seem that much more real to me. It was a nightmare. Obviously I could not take on this challenge by myself so I asked my so much more experienced at everything in life sister to go with me.

The second I walked in, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure if we were supposed to start running like it was a black friday sale or if we just casually browsed through things. I realized it was in between crazy and casual. By the time I had this figured out, my sister already had about three items in her hands and then before I knew it she was out of my sight. She left me on the aisle with those things you put babies in that vibrate and shake. My only knowledge of this device was from a Sex and the City episode where it literally saved Miranda's life because her baby would not stop crying. I decided what if my baby does that and this is my life saving device, so I stared at it for about five minutes. I pressed buttons, I checked for tears, I looked around panicked realizing that five more minutes just went by.

I finally realized I needed advice, so I set out to find my sister. Along the way I realized that these people are professionals. By this point everybody had laundry baskets (no one told me you were supposed to bring things like this) full of items. Along the way I come across strollers, high chairs, clothes and more clothes. Finally, I found her. She was one of those people. At this point she had about three more items (six total) and was working her way through a pile of something. I told her about the thing you put babies in that vibrates. Before I got done explaining all that it does and how this is what Meredith used in Sex and the City, she told me to hurry and go get it.

As I made my way back over there, I started getting excited about my first baby purchase. I stared at it for five more minutes and then went and got the woman in green so that she could mark it as sold for me. She was about to put the tag on it when I began asking 20 questions. She was very helpful and patient with me. She guessed that this was my first baby and I told her this was also my first purchase for the baby. I am still not sure exactly what she said, but I decided after talking to her I should not purchase it. Keep in mind, I can be talked out of anything.

I went to try to find my sister again feeling defeated. She asked me where it was and I told her sadly that I was talked out of it. My sister knows me too well and was able to talk me back into it in two seconds. Keep in mind I can usually be talked into things too. She knows this. So I go back. My mom calls right when I am picking up the vibrating thing that you put babies in to let me know there is a tornado on the ground. (She does this a lot). I told her about my purchase, and for some reason I felt talked out of it again. I hung up once again feeling defeated.

I went out to find my sister again, growing fully aware of how much stuff everyone seems to have in their laundry baskets at this point. She asked me if I got it and I had to tell her no. This time it was mom that made me feel talked out of it. This is when she decided it is time to go with me to look at this thing. She tells me it is a good deal and I will absolutely love it. After staring at it for a little bit longer, she then made a comment about how maybe I could just have her old one. That did it for me. There was no way I was going to purchase this thing you put babies in that vibrates.

By this point it was about time to go. I decided to just glance at a few things to see if any of the professional baby shoppers left me anything. I found a pair of black maternity leggings from target that were $3.00. I almost bought them and then decided that it would be even more depressing to walk away with leggings for me when I came to shop for my little one.

So I sat in a chair while my sister purchased all of her items and called Nathan to let him know that I was not getting anything for baby Tucker.

Which brings me to my next big news.....:)

We have decided on a name. Tucker Alan Hill. :) That is the first time I typed it.

Several of you probably have quit reading at this point so I will be sure to announce it in my next blog so you don't miss out.

Thanks for caring :)

One Year Anniversary

Today we celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. I love today and what it represents to us. I love that I am able to love someone so unconditionally. I love that I have a huband who is still in love with me after a thirteen year long journey. I love that we are going to have a son that will grow up to be like his father. I love that God knew from day one that this was going to happen and has been a part of us ever since.

I would love to go on about the details of today but I'm exhausted and would love to go to bed.

Thanks for caring though :)