Redefining Normal

This was the last picture taken of us as a family. It was a few days before Tucker went to be with Jesus. I am so thankful that the Lord gave us moments like this, knowing full well that we only had days left with our precious little gift.


I think the most common question, understandably so, is "how are we doing." It's a hard question to answer because we can say "okay" and mean it, but it's not the same "okay" as we once were before our world was turned upside down.

We have a very close family friend who lost his daughter about a year and a half ago in a tragic car accident. I was in Big Lots the day I found out, and I still remember the feeling of horror every time I pass that store and have yet to go back there. This past summer we met them in Destin and listened. Our hearts broke for them and I tried to envision what that would be like to lose Tucker. I couldn't. He told me a few days after Tucker died that we would be redefining normal. This completely makes sense to me now.

I am realizing that there is a choice that I have to make daily. I can think worldly or I can think eternal. I can be sad and stay fixated on the things that Tucker and I used to do in this world, or I can choose to believe that the Lord has prepared a place for us and "to depart with Him is far better than staying on Earth."

It doesn't make sense to me because my world seemed pretty perfect when we ate our oatmeal together everyday. When he would say "bweakfast" first thing in the morning. When the only thing that woke me up for a year was his sweet little voice through the baby monitor. When he would lay his little head on my shoulder. When he would take turns cuddling with me and Nathan all throughout the night that last month he was alive. When he would say "pwease" to everything he possibly wanted. When he would run at me full force knocking me over only to find it the most funny thing in the whole world. When daddy would do free throws with him and he couldn't contain his giggles. When he would be a walking dance party every time he heard music. When we would whisper the word "bath" and he dropped everything and ran for the bathtub. When he would say "mama" and "dada" with his head nod.

Seems pretty perfect. But it's not. As Paul said, "to live is Christ, to die is gain." He got it. He endured a lot of suffering but he was purposeful with his remaining days here on earth. It is my prayer to grasp this too. These are NOT just words of comfort that we cling to in times of trouble to make us feel better. These are absolute truths and promises that come from our Maker who IS going to return to us.

Easter. Another common question, "was Easter hard?" Understandable question, but the Lord carried us that day. It was my specific prayer for the Lord to remind us every moment of that day that this is why we can celebrate and have eternal hope. This is why we can be joyful. This is why we can go on living and trusting Him. Every time my gaze fell towards cute kiddos running around in their Easter outfits, hunting eggs and shoving candy in their mouth, I would simply say "remind me Lord." And He did.

I definitely still have hard moments. I've enjoyed being at home during my days. Some people don't understand this but it's truly healing for me to have time to myself, with the Lord and face my fears head on. I have a found my home to be a safe haven again like it once was. It is the place with all the joyful memories of Tucker but also the place where his presence is missing. This has been challenging but I have found the Lord restores.

There are triggers that will suddenly make me burst into tears at times. Usually by myself. I have an entire family who all happen to be psychotherapists who can validate the normalcy in this. Triggers can be anything such as seeing his jug of apple juice in the fridge that I can't bring myself to throw away, or driving by walmart and not wanting to go in because he is not with me, to having to say the phrase "endotracheal intubation" three times to the billing department at the hospital.

We took a trip to Colorado a few weeks ago. A wonderful family offered their house in Crested Butte to us for a week. I found myself thinking about God and Tucker quite a bit as I stared in awe at how artistic and creative our Lord is. In our human heads, it just doesn't get much better than this. That is why Heaven is so amazing to think about. We can't even fathom how beautiful and perfect it is.

This has turned out to be longer than most posts. Nathan is out of town tonight so I felt like writing. One last thing, I can't think of the words that fully reflect our hearts and the gratitude that we feel for each and every single person who has been a part of this story. I have prayed for the Lord to help me in showing my appreciation to each of you. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for loving Tucker. Thanks for caring enough to read this incredibly scattered blog. :)

Glimpse of Tucker

Nothing profound to say except this makes me smile. He is quite the dancer and wanted to share a glimpse of Tucker.

"He will turn our mourning into dancing...." Psalm 30:11

One "worldly" month

It's been one month. One month since that precious little boy went to be with his Maker. He got to wake up in the arms of the one who so intricately designed those sweet cheeks, jagged teeth, brown eyes, and hair that did nothing but fall in his face.

We are experiencing a pain right now that might be harder than the first initial pain of disbelief and trauma. This is the pain that is not going to go away. This is the pain that even in a joyful moment, you are quickly reminded that there is something missing and your heart just aches.

The only thing that seems to bring a little comfort is to simply stop and say "Jesus be near me."

It's hard to explain, but I don't think it was meant to be explained. For anyone who has truly experienced Jesus knows what I'm talking about. He is with you and wants more than anything to be with you. You just have to acknowledge Him.

I found myself taking great comfort in this verse this morning. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

That verse gives me chills. He knew. He knew the heart ache and troubles that we were going to experience in this world. And now my little boy sits with the One who conquered death.

I have never felt so stuck in a "worldly" world. But I choose to be here and fulfill the Lord's purpose until He takes me home. We are in constant prayer about what that purpose is while we continue to miss and grieve our son who is no longer with us.

Jesus also said to his disciples, "I am going away and I am coming back to you. If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I."

Faith not Sight

I was discussing with a close friend of mine tonight about the deep yearning in my heart to see my baby boy again. I can smell him, I can hear his raspy voice, I can feel his oddly large hands, I can remember the joy in my heart when he gives me his big toothy grin with eyes squinting and all.

I've never felt this kind of longing before, but I should have. I am slowly realizing that this is the exact longing that Jesus desires from me. I've always known the verse "We live by faith, not by sight" but it has suddenly hit home. A little too hard.

Heaven has always been exciting to think about. I've always been excited when thinking about seeing my Savior face to face. But I don't recall ever having the heart wrenching ache where my whole body is physically and emotionally longing to see Him.

This is where the faith comes in, and not so much the sight. I was able to see Tucker. I physically felt him. I heard his voice. I didn't have to experience him through faith because he was there. Jesus on the other hand requires a great deal of faith to experience him.

Even though I have not physically seen Jesus with my eyes, He is there. I have not physically touched him, but He is there. As He is revealing Himself more and more to me, my heart is beginning to ache to see Him in a way I never knew was possible.

So this is my desire. Just in case you're interested.

I desire to long to see my Savior. Until that day comes, I will continue to try to live each day with a little more faith than the last.

Heart of a Daddy

God chose Nathan to be Tucker's daddy. This was not a mistake, a fluke, a coincidence. God knew that Tucker would only be with us for almost 15 months and that Nathan had every quality he wanted Tucker to have in an earthly daddy. I would love to share with you the heart of Tucker's daddy who I so proudly call my husband. This is the letter that Nathan wrote to his little boy and read at his funeral.

Dear Tucker,

Daddy loves you more than you could possibly know. Every day God gave us together was the most precious gift. I want you to know that you taught daddy how to love in a way that I never thought I could. You showed me unconditional love and what it means to have a joyful heart. I can never express how proud you made daddy!

Every night that I got to hold you and sing "Jesus Loves Me" made me eternally grateful to Jesus for giving you to me and mommy. I miss you so so much and I will ache until the day I get to see you again. Everything you did made me love you more!

I especially loved the mornings you would follow me around step for step as if you were my shadow always looking for something to get into. Fear could never overcome your curiosity or desire to get into something. Your tenacious and adventurous spirit was hard to contain.

Daddy always prayed over you that one day you would be a warrior for Jesus and the man I've hoped to be. And though I'm at a loss for understanding and my heart is broken, God answered my prayer. Your life has revealed the power of the body of Christ and shown people Jesus.

Daddy is having a hard time with the idea that I won't be able to play ball, or wrestle, or play blocks, or do free throws anymore. I could hardly wait to start teaching you how to shoot a basketball or hit a baseball. But these were always daddy's plans. Jesus had a different plan for your life. You are so precious to Him that He called you home so you could be together and be spared from the sin and brokenness of this world. And for now, I take comfort in this.

However, there will always be a part of mommy and daddy's heart missing until the day we get to see you again in Heaven. From now until that day, I will always be thinking about you! You are and always will be my Bubbs. And daddy is so proud of you!

I love you,

Daddy

Mighty Warrior

"The Lord is with you, Mighty Warrior." Judges 6:12

At this point I am sure everyone who reads this is aware that we lost our precious son Tucker a week ago on February 28th. Nothing can prepare you for that phone call, that tragic moment when you keep asking yourself "is this real?" That moment when the only thing you can do is cry out to the Lord in desperation to save your baby boy.


Tucker was a special one. Tucker will never have to experience the brokenness and sinfulness that comes with living in this world. Tucker is with Jesus. I ache for the day I will see him in my Savior's arms.


I never did well with writing on here and I probably still won't, but I know that we have an enormous amount of people praying for us and a lot of unanswered questions.


Last Tuesday I layed Tucker down for a nap around 5:00 pm. My last moments with him were him falling asleep in my arms and then laying him down in his crib. He woke up several times to look up at me as I was walking out but I rubbed his back until he finally fell asleep.


Nathan returned home from work around 6:30 and we talked about how Tucker seems to be catching a cold lately so we decided to just let him sleep for a little bit. I kissed Nathan goodbye as I headed out to coach a thirty minute private cheerleading lesson.


In the middle of my lesson, my phone rang. My neighbor was frantically telling me to come home and the only thing I said was "who is it?" Tucker. It was Tucker. That drive home was me screaming to the Lord "please don't take him" and an utter disbelief that this was happening.


Nathan decided he didn't want to wait for Tucker to wake, he was ready to see and play with his boy, only to find that when he touched him there was no response. I weep and cringe when I think what his daddy had to go through with trying to revive him on our living room carpet, the same carpet Tucker drags all his toys on to play. Our neighbor/friend Amber came over and did CPR on little Tuck before the medics showed up.


As I pulled up, Tucker was already inside the ambulance and they were still working on him. Neighbors I didn't even know were on their knees in our yard praying fervently. Once at the hospital, I somehow found my way back to the room where little Tuck was laying on the table in his diaper I remembered just changing while a team was around him attempting to bring him back to us. Nathan and I just held up our hands to God and cried out to him to please save our son.


I knew that when the Doctor started saying "anyone have any ideas" that it was over. I knew that are baby boy was with Jesus. We laid our hands on him, we prayed over him, we told him to be with Jesus, we kissed those sweet cheeks, we stroked that long hair, and then finally we sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him for the last time.


I sat in my kitchen a few days before Tucker passed and poured out my heart to the Lord. I remember I kept saying the phrase "Lord, just please let me him know you." I asked the Lord to start working in Tucker's little heart so the he may know the Lord and follow him. That's all I could ask for and the rest was up to the Lord on what he wanted to do with his life.


Tucker knows Jesus now. More than I do. The coroner explained to us that the cause of death was something so subtle that after eliminating every possible scenario nothing was making sense except to say it had to of been arrhythmia. The Lord decided to use tucker's little heart to take him to be with Him so that Tucker may know him.


We are confused, we are hurting, the pain feels unbearable at times, but then the Lord will show up in a very subtle way to remind us that He is here. Just like Tucker went to be with him in a subtle way.


The kingdom has never felt so close. It is our absolute desire for Tucker's life to be used to bring glory to our Lord's name. Nathan's prayer over Tucker was to be a warrior for Christ. We've never been so proud of him.


Words will never be able to express our experience with body of Christ that the Lord is using to envelope us in such a time as this. The outpouring of prayers and encouragement have played such a role in helping us cope through the pain and remember that Jesus has conquered death. This is not it.


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


It is not sufficient....but thank you.


In Christ and in Love,


Amy Hill

*December* (Yes I know it's February)

Here are the first few weeks of our little man's life. These were also the hardest weeks of our lives. Not going to sugar coat it. He did not sleep at night. Not only did he not sleep but he wanted to scream a lot. The practical thing to do would be to sleep during the day while he was sleeping. But I couldn't help but stare at his precious little face and take a million too many pictures of him while he was not crying. So this caused me to become a walking zombie. And at night I was just a plain crazy person.

Thankfully, he figured it out. I woke up panicked one morning at 4 am realizing that he has been asleep for 6 whole hours and has not woken up to eat. I did what everyone tells you that you are going to do. I got down by his swing and just stared at him for 5 minutes straight watching his chest rise up and down. He was breathing and he has been breathing ever since.

Tucker's first smile :)

His converse shoes that Minnie made for him

Tucker's BFF Asa

Then there were three

Cousins first Christmas

No matter how sleep deprived you are, nothing can warm your heart more than that precious face. :)