Angels

It has been tugging at my mind, my heart, the very essence of my soul.  Who was he talking to?  That is the question that has been lingering in my mind since that night. 

Tucker had been doing it for awhile but towards the end it became so obvious and clear that he was having a conversation with something/someone unseen that brought about an unmistakable pure joy. 

The most significant time was the Saturday right before he died on Tuesday.  My sister Kristen and I sat in the living room watching him have a complete conversation.  He was laughing, he was answering, he was pausing and looking intently at something/someone that would have been about is height.  He would wait….and then he would respond.  We didn’t understand a word he was saying but he acted like it was clear as day.  We didn’t understand what was so funny, but I’ve never seen him so joyful.

I remember saying several times, “Tucker, who are you talking to you??”  He would look at me with those big brown eyes and then give me his big “squinty eye” laugh. 

Could it just be….they were getting to know him.

One of my biggest struggles through this grieving process is when my mind starts forming images of that night.  When any thought or image of that night comes to mind the only word that I can think of is agony. 

I have witnessed panic attacks, I have helped people deal with their stress, I am usually as calm as they come.  But images of that night can bring me to my knees, leaving me gasping for air, and literally having to remind myself how to breathe again. 

There is no coping skill in the books that can get you through that image. That’s where God comes in.

Within the last month I have come across this verse several times.  The way my body reacts when I see it, it is as if the very voice of God is whispering in my ear.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones.  For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”  Matthew 18:10

Could it be….his angels were here.

“Therefore, angels are only servants—spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation.”  Hebrews 1:14

Were they preparing him?

Then there is Luke 16:22.  Jesus says, “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side.”

To think, the army of heaven, God’s own ministering spirits, getting to know Tucker, talking to him, laughing with him, and carrying him home to the very presence of the Father.

The moment that brings haunting images to my mind is the moment that Tucker was made alive in Christ and ushered by his angels into the presence of God and His eternal kingdom. 

What a moment that was. 

How can a moment like that bring so much torment to one’s mind here on earth, but bring such joy on the other side.  I sat in his room, just taking in the thought that the presence of God was alive in this place.  To think that we were possibly entertaining angels and didn’t know it.

After having all these thoughts and coming across these verses, I came across an article of a little boy who was dying from cancer.  Some pictures that were taken of him on a hayride came back with white spots surrounding the child.  The child was very matter-of-fact and stated that those were his angels that had been with him for quite some time.  

Angels....

I just love it :)

Little Blessings

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.  

Psalm 19:1

I stare at the sky quite a bit lately.  I'm not sure what I am looking for but there is something so peaceful and extraordinary about how it's ever changing but never ceases to take your breath away. There have been numerous times when I will come to a screeching halt in my car and pull over on a busy highway  to take a picture of the sky.  Usually it's of a "T" that the clouds have formed so perfectly.  I actually have this weird pain in my neck now that I think is a result of staring at the sky when I go running.  I'm sure I don't look like a crazy person at all.

Nathan came outside one night when I was standing in the middle of the backyard staring at the moon and the stars.  We just stood there staring.  There's an anticipation now that I've never known.  Maybe I just want a front row seat when the clouds depart for His return.  Maybe I am really taking that verse literally about "keeping watch."

Maybe it's knowing that this precious boy is sitting next to the one that controls the clouds, sun, moon, stars, and entire universe that I am trying to patiently live in right now.  All of a sudden, His creation around me is coming to life as I realize how He speaks through His works.

For the past couple of months now, I have been seeing white butterflies everywhere I go.  The very first thing I see in the morning when I look outside is a white butterfly.  When I go running, I will be praying and see a white butterfly.  I don't remember the last time when a day has gone by and I haven't seen one.

The moment I found out Meryn McCall went to be with Jesus, I went to the window, closed my eyes, and started praying.  When I opened them, there were two white butterflies in the window directly in front of me.
  

I finally decided to go figure out what the symbolism is for white butterflies.  I stared in disbelief at my computer and said out loud "you've got to be kidding me."  There were three definitions that immediately popped up in my google search.  Representation of past soul.  Guardian angel.  Resurrection.

So then I became obsessed with taking pictures of white butterflies.  To the point where I would sit outside in the grass with my camera in hand.  Just waiting.  I was with a group of friends one night where everyone was going on about what they did that day.  Then I realized there was no way of getting around saying that I spent my entire day looking at butterflies.

Another sweet blessing in our lives has been the births of our precious niece and nephew.

Adelynn McMahan

and Ven Phillips

I prayed for these two precious babies this morning.  That they would grow up to know Jesus and fulfill His purpose for their lives.  They are the sweetest things and such a reminder of His redeeming love.

I believe that God is good.  I believe that He is the Creator of all things.  I believe that He is in control.

Tucker would have been 18 months today.  Yes it is hard, but each second that goes by is one second closer to when I get to see him again.

Life Lately

So this past week has been unexpected.  That pretty much sums up life right now but I'm okay with that.  I've managed to turn 29 years old, babysit my newest nephew Ven in the ER while doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with my sister, take Ven to his first pediatric appointment, admit Ven into Washington Regional due to jaundice, pray hard for God to heal my sister, attend baby Meryn's memorial service in Little Rock, make it through Mother's Day without my little boy, and then praise God for healing my sister so she could spend mother's day with her little boy. 

There were times when I would sit there almost saying "really God" but then I envisioned Him saying back "yes, really Amy." 

That book I am reading, What Women Fear, Angie talks about Job's response to God, but what is even funnier is God's response to Job's response.  God responded to Job, "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?" 

There were a lot of triggers this past week.  But life still went on.  I continued to breathe, I continued to wake up each morning, I continued to laugh at times, I continued to cry at times, I continued to pray, I continued to ask God to be near.  He continues to be faithful so I am trying my hardest to do the same. 

If you have been around us lately, it is hard to escape a conversation where we have the whole group talking about heaven.  God has been revealing himself to us in ways that I never experienced before.  There used to be a disconnect when thinking of heaven and what it "might" be like and how it "most likely" will be really great.  He has opened our eyes through books we have read, dreams He has given us, and just plain showing up when we ask Him. 

I have gone back and tried to read some of my posts with an unbeliever perspective.  Just in case there are any out there.  I think the hardest part to grasp is how can I remain faithful when I prayed for Him to specifically not take my son, and He still did.  Honestly, I don't have an answer for that. 

All I know is that this is not our home, and I have never been so thankful for that.    

Please Pray

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones."  Psalm 116:15

I spent the majority of the day praying yesterday.  I prayed specifically for the Lord to perform a miracle and save Meryn Grace McCall.  Some dear friends in our community group, Adam and Joanna, were 22 weeks pregnant with their healthy baby girl and she went to be with Jesus yesterday. 

As I found out the news, all I could was cry and beg Jesus to cover them like He has covered us.  I asked Him to cradle Meryn in his arms, and I asked Him to allow Tucker to show her around. 

Adam texted Nathan after she passed and said, "I told Meryn to say hi to Tucker."

Nathan and I are heartbroken for our friends and are committed to praying and being there for them as they have been for us.  I have personally experienced the body of Christ and how powerful we can be as we pray together.  I'm asking you to pray with me for these parents who lost their child. 

We have been so fortunate and blessed to be part of an awesome community group.  At one point yesterday, Nathan kind of smiled and said, "it's kind of crazy that we have our group on both sides now."

I smiled at that thought.  Not gonna lie though, kind of jealous of Meryn and Tucker's side. 

Thought I'd Share

I have experienced a handful of times now where I feel like the Lord just shows up.  Usually He involves the sun in some way.  The first time this happened, I was driving and one of those triggers took place.  I think it was Walmart.  I was blinded by tears the entire way home and repeated the phrase "remind me that he's with you."  I stumbled out to our hammock in the backyard and layed down with my eyes closed still repeating that phrase.  I must have said it about twenty times and all of a sudden, I felt such a warmth on my face as the sun decided to come out for the first time that day.  I layed there with my eyes closed feeling the brightness and the warmth cover me.  All I could do was smile.  It lasted about fifteen seconds and then it was gone.  All I could say was "thank you."

Nathan and I went up to Mount Sequoya one evening to watch the sunset.  If you live in Fayetteville, you know personally how beautiful this spot is and chances are you might have been up there the same evening.  I turned around to find a sweet old man taking a picture from behind us.  I tried to move so he could get a clear shot and he yelled "No!  Ya'll stay right where you are."  The sweet old man came up to show us the picture he took of us and asked if he could take one with our camera for us to have.  Little did sweet old man know that the Lord was truly using him in this moment to capture a picture that spoke so dear to our hearts.  Little did he know that our precious little boy was sitting next to the artist who painted this picture.  

                        

There have been two times now where I will pull up to the cemetery with the sun behind a dark cloud.  As soon as I walk up to Tucker's spot, the sun has come out from behind the cloud and appears to be shining directly down on me.     

So as you can see from the pictures above, I have quite the obsession now of taking pictures of the sun.  I find myself drawn to it.  I actually watch sunrises now from my backyard.  Part of this is due to the fact that I am doing a 5:30am bootcamp for some reason.   

One more thing...

The girls in my community group decided to start reading this book and meet once a month to discuss a chapter.  The first and last time I had met with them to discuss it was the night before Tucker died.  Tucker and I went that day to the bookstore to buy the book.  He sat up on the counter as I paid for it smiling at the clerk as people commented on what a cute boy he was.  We went home and played outside in the backyard while I ate hummus and carrots and he said "pwease" twenty times for another graham cracker.  As I got into the hammock to start reading the book, he ran over and reached out his arms for me to pick him up.  I put him in the hammock with me while I read, only to look down moments later to find him cuddled up asleep.  I stood up holding him thinking I will go lay him down.  He opened his eyes suddenly, so I decided to just let him sleep next to me.  And he did.  He slept cuddled up to me while I read the first two chapters of "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith.  Little did I know that this author and I were about to have something in common.  

Last week was the first time since then that the girls decided to meet again.  I knew what this meant.  I was going to have face the book, the hammock, and the same discussions with a completely different outlook on fear now.  I walked out to the hammock that day gripping my book, gritting my teeth, and telling myself to remember to breathe as I was trying not be so aware of what was missing.  I sat down and closed my eyes as I asked Jesus to be near me.  I opened the book to chapter 4 and started reading.  The very first page had this verse,

"The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."

Judges 6:12   



Redefining Normal

This was the last picture taken of us as a family. It was a few days before Tucker went to be with Jesus. I am so thankful that the Lord gave us moments like this, knowing full well that we only had days left with our precious little gift.


I think the most common question, understandably so, is "how are we doing." It's a hard question to answer because we can say "okay" and mean it, but it's not the same "okay" as we once were before our world was turned upside down.

We have a very close family friend who lost his daughter about a year and a half ago in a tragic car accident. I was in Big Lots the day I found out, and I still remember the feeling of horror every time I pass that store and have yet to go back there. This past summer we met them in Destin and listened. Our hearts broke for them and I tried to envision what that would be like to lose Tucker. I couldn't. He told me a few days after Tucker died that we would be redefining normal. This completely makes sense to me now.

I am realizing that there is a choice that I have to make daily. I can think worldly or I can think eternal. I can be sad and stay fixated on the things that Tucker and I used to do in this world, or I can choose to believe that the Lord has prepared a place for us and "to depart with Him is far better than staying on Earth."

It doesn't make sense to me because my world seemed pretty perfect when we ate our oatmeal together everyday. When he would say "bweakfast" first thing in the morning. When the only thing that woke me up for a year was his sweet little voice through the baby monitor. When he would lay his little head on my shoulder. When he would take turns cuddling with me and Nathan all throughout the night that last month he was alive. When he would say "pwease" to everything he possibly wanted. When he would run at me full force knocking me over only to find it the most funny thing in the whole world. When daddy would do free throws with him and he couldn't contain his giggles. When he would be a walking dance party every time he heard music. When we would whisper the word "bath" and he dropped everything and ran for the bathtub. When he would say "mama" and "dada" with his head nod.

Seems pretty perfect. But it's not. As Paul said, "to live is Christ, to die is gain." He got it. He endured a lot of suffering but he was purposeful with his remaining days here on earth. It is my prayer to grasp this too. These are NOT just words of comfort that we cling to in times of trouble to make us feel better. These are absolute truths and promises that come from our Maker who IS going to return to us.

Easter. Another common question, "was Easter hard?" Understandable question, but the Lord carried us that day. It was my specific prayer for the Lord to remind us every moment of that day that this is why we can celebrate and have eternal hope. This is why we can be joyful. This is why we can go on living and trusting Him. Every time my gaze fell towards cute kiddos running around in their Easter outfits, hunting eggs and shoving candy in their mouth, I would simply say "remind me Lord." And He did.

I definitely still have hard moments. I've enjoyed being at home during my days. Some people don't understand this but it's truly healing for me to have time to myself, with the Lord and face my fears head on. I have a found my home to be a safe haven again like it once was. It is the place with all the joyful memories of Tucker but also the place where his presence is missing. This has been challenging but I have found the Lord restores.

There are triggers that will suddenly make me burst into tears at times. Usually by myself. I have an entire family who all happen to be psychotherapists who can validate the normalcy in this. Triggers can be anything such as seeing his jug of apple juice in the fridge that I can't bring myself to throw away, or driving by walmart and not wanting to go in because he is not with me, to having to say the phrase "endotracheal intubation" three times to the billing department at the hospital.

We took a trip to Colorado a few weeks ago. A wonderful family offered their house in Crested Butte to us for a week. I found myself thinking about God and Tucker quite a bit as I stared in awe at how artistic and creative our Lord is. In our human heads, it just doesn't get much better than this. That is why Heaven is so amazing to think about. We can't even fathom how beautiful and perfect it is.

This has turned out to be longer than most posts. Nathan is out of town tonight so I felt like writing. One last thing, I can't think of the words that fully reflect our hearts and the gratitude that we feel for each and every single person who has been a part of this story. I have prayed for the Lord to help me in showing my appreciation to each of you. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for loving Tucker. Thanks for caring enough to read this incredibly scattered blog. :)

Glimpse of Tucker

Nothing profound to say except this makes me smile. He is quite the dancer and wanted to share a glimpse of Tucker.

"He will turn our mourning into dancing...." Psalm 30:11