Rally

It has been a little over seven months since Tucker went to be with Jesus.  In seven months I have learned so much about this life we are living here on earth and the life I anticipate to live in heaven.  We were driving through the cemetery not too long ago, reading everybody’s stones while wondering what their story was.  I have grown to love the cemetery.  It is not morbid to me when you know what awaits you on the other side and to think of the many souls in that cemetery who are experiencing life as it was first meant to be. 

I’ve also been hit with an overwhelming feeling of sadness which leads to urgency.  My sadness stems from thinking of all the people in this world who really believe that this is it.  This world is all that life is about. 

After losing a son, that will just not do.  Not only will that just not do, but God has made sure to reveal to me that “our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Phil 3:20)  I’ve said from the very beginning, that every time I pray and plead with him on the “why” questions, the phrase that always pops in my head is “trust me.” 

So that is what I am doing.  Trusting that one day, when I walk into His kingdom and my eternity begins, that all the heartache, sadness, grief, and agony that we experienced in this world will be like “vapor that appeared for a little while, and then vanishes.” (James 4:14)

My urgency stems from wanting everyone to know Jesus before it’s too late.  I want Him to come back so badly, I was actually asking Him out loud every morning if today could please be the day.  He finally showed me this verse which I took as a big fat “have a little patience, Amy.” 

“And remember, our Lord’s patience gives people time to be saved.”  2 Peter 3:15

Got it.

I want the lost to come to Jesus just as much as I want Him to return and it looks like these two go hand in hand. 

I think it’s time to rally.    

12 Weeks

So here I am.  Twelve weeks pregnant with twins.  Talk about a whirlwind of freaking emotions.  I think the coolest thing so far has been how much our Lord's name has been glorified through announcing the life of these two precious little ones.
We were simply blown away by the response of everyone on facebook, this blog, phone calls, texts, and neighbors running into our house as soon as we announced it.  And there seemed to be a common theme.  No words, tears, and praises to God.  How cool is that.
We have been told that they are identical twins because they are in the same sac with one placenta.  So I did what they tell you not to do and started googling.  I came across crazy statistics of how uncommon this is, and then scary statistics of what could possibly happen.
At ten weeks, they could not find a membrane separating them which led us to see a specialist a week later.  That was somewhat of a long week.  We knew the risks involved if they couldn't find a membrane.  We read the statistics of survival.  I've discovered that statistics mean nothing to me anymore.
So we prayed.
At eleven weeks they found the membrane.  They were identical in size, and their heart rates were 178 and 180.  They were absolutely perfect.  They are classified as identical twins, mono-di, meaning they have two sacs but one placenta.
As for me and how I am feeling, it really hasn't been too bad.  It feels a lot like my pregnancy with Tucker.  I feel nauseous but don't throw up.  Nathan refers to me as a bear in hibernation so I guess I might be sleeping a lot.
One hard part is feeling as if my grief and hormones have had a head on collision.  It's hard to control your crying when you actually have something to cry about.  My ability to stay poised and collected while in public has gone out the window.  I was a weeping mess at church today.  We sang "Jesus Paid It All" which is the song we sang at Tucker's funeral.  We also sang "10,000 Reasons" which gets me going too.  Give me a song, a message, or a verse about Heaven and I'm on the verge of jumping up and down with excitement while being moved to tears.
Thank you all, for continuing to love us.  Thank you for praying for us and these special little blessings.  I think about heaven a lot and words cannot explain my excitement for eternity.  To see my Savior, my little boy, my whole family to be reunited, and then to think about getting to spend everyday with all of you lovely people....it's just wonderful.

His Faithfulness

I have struggled to write this post.  I feel like no words can quite articulate the depth of His goodness.  So here I am trying.  

We have known since July 20th that we are pregnant.  I wasn't prepared for the emotion as I stared at the pink positive sign while sitting on my bathtub.  I was thankful, I was scared, I was joyful, I was sad.  

It's an unnatural feeling when you are celebrating the new life within you while still mourning the life that just left you.

We have asked God all along that if He wants us to be parents again, for it to be in His timing.  

As we began to tell people, there was a lot of joy mixed with a lot of tears.  I began to pour out my heart over this child praying every possible prayer over this precious life.  

After early ultrasounds and blood work, all looked good.

I was on my way to meet Nathan for our 8 week appt. and I began praying out loud in the car.  I told God that it's just still really hard.  I told him that I don't even know what it would look like or take to be released from the pain and anguish that still resides in my heart, but please keep showing up for us.  I asked the Lord to make His presence known.

Next thing I know, our doctor, Nathan, and I are crying as we all three are staring at 2 precious little heartbeats on the screen.  

He showed up...again.

We are having identical twins.

I am in complete awe of His goodness and I can't seem to find the words to praise Him or even tell our story.  So for now, I just want to celebrate them and what they represent.  His faithfulness.  

Pivotal Moments

It is our three year anniversary today.  Today more than ever, I've been thinking about pivotal moments in life.  Moments that were completely shaping what was to come.

One moment that comes to mind, is the 13 year old girl who moved to Arkansas kicking and screaming because she thought life could not get more perfect than Greenville, Tx.  This will be humorous for some of you.

I talked to God a lot back then.  I was incredibly timid and not so sure of myself, and especially not so sure of this thing called public school that I was thrown into.

After my family prayed about what church we were going to attend, I was baptized for the second time, and I was on my way to sunshine mountain for a youth group retreat feeling a tad bit more sure of myself.

I was chomping down on a bag of gummy worms when I decided it would be nice of me to share with others.  I turned around and asked the boy behind me if he wanted one.  He stared at me for probably five seconds and then said sure.  After he took his worm, I proceeded to tell him that he had very mysterious eyes. Then he stared at me some more.

Later in life I will realize that this was the moment for him.

We were inseparable after that.  We dated through my junior high and high school years.  We were best friends and I loved him.  We met each other in our most vulnerable phase in life and watched each other grow up.  We saw each other in our best moments, we saw each other in our worst moments.  We saw each other grow in Christ, slip away from Christ, and be provided with grace from Christ.

We would break up. We would be best friends.  He would boldly confess his love.  I would boldly be a flaky hot mess.  We would be best friends again.  And then repeat.

Pivotal moment was the day I decided to get my act together and start listening and obeying the Lord, instead of just talking.

With hands shaking and all, I boldly confessed my love to him over lunch at Marketplace.  Days later, after he had time to pray and think about it, he said I've had his heart since the first time I shared my gummy worms with him at sunshine mountain.

He knew to put a ring on it quickly and get me down the aisle.  Probably fearing a relapse of the flaky hot mess he experienced from me for the past 8 years.

I share our story because that was 3 years ago today and I can't help to think about what it would be like if someone was to show you a preview of what you were about to jump into.  What if the slideshow at rehearsal dinner were pictures about what's to come.  The good and the bad.

I don't know why it's comforting but it's nice to know there is a sovereign God.

It just blows my mind to think about when I was sharing my gummy worms and staring into Nathan's eyes for the first time, God knew that Tucker was going to be our son.  He knew that we were going to experience a heartache that exceeds any hardship that we could possibly comprehend at the time.  The day I met Nathan at Marketplace with my hands shaking, and I knew that I was meant to marry this man, God knew then too.  Three years ago today, as I stared into those mysterious eyes and said "I do", I had no idea the depth of the phrase "I do" until now.

Today is special.  It reminds me of where our journey began and where it is still going.  God knew every hair on Tucker's head the day I shared my gummy worms.  He knew he was going to enter this world on December 8, 2010 and that he would return to His kingdom on February 28, 2012.  For some reason, He wanted Nathan and I to be Tucker's mommy and daddy for his short life here in this world.

Nathan and I have told each other numerous times that we can't imagine going through this with any one else than each other.  The beautiful part is that God knew that too. 

Angels

It has been tugging at my mind, my heart, the very essence of my soul.  Who was he talking to?  That is the question that has been lingering in my mind since that night. 

Tucker had been doing it for awhile but towards the end it became so obvious and clear that he was having a conversation with something/someone unseen that brought about an unmistakable pure joy. 

The most significant time was the Saturday right before he died on Tuesday.  My sister Kristen and I sat in the living room watching him have a complete conversation.  He was laughing, he was answering, he was pausing and looking intently at something/someone that would have been about is height.  He would wait….and then he would respond.  We didn’t understand a word he was saying but he acted like it was clear as day.  We didn’t understand what was so funny, but I’ve never seen him so joyful.

I remember saying several times, “Tucker, who are you talking to you??”  He would look at me with those big brown eyes and then give me his big “squinty eye” laugh. 

Could it just be….they were getting to know him.

One of my biggest struggles through this grieving process is when my mind starts forming images of that night.  When any thought or image of that night comes to mind the only word that I can think of is agony. 

I have witnessed panic attacks, I have helped people deal with their stress, I am usually as calm as they come.  But images of that night can bring me to my knees, leaving me gasping for air, and literally having to remind myself how to breathe again. 

There is no coping skill in the books that can get you through that image. That’s where God comes in.

Within the last month I have come across this verse several times.  The way my body reacts when I see it, it is as if the very voice of God is whispering in my ear.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones.  For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”  Matthew 18:10

Could it be….his angels were here.

“Therefore, angels are only servants—spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation.”  Hebrews 1:14

Were they preparing him?

Then there is Luke 16:22.  Jesus says, “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side.”

To think, the army of heaven, God’s own ministering spirits, getting to know Tucker, talking to him, laughing with him, and carrying him home to the very presence of the Father.

The moment that brings haunting images to my mind is the moment that Tucker was made alive in Christ and ushered by his angels into the presence of God and His eternal kingdom. 

What a moment that was. 

How can a moment like that bring so much torment to one’s mind here on earth, but bring such joy on the other side.  I sat in his room, just taking in the thought that the presence of God was alive in this place.  To think that we were possibly entertaining angels and didn’t know it.

After having all these thoughts and coming across these verses, I came across an article of a little boy who was dying from cancer.  Some pictures that were taken of him on a hayride came back with white spots surrounding the child.  The child was very matter-of-fact and stated that those were his angels that had been with him for quite some time.  

Angels....

I just love it :)

Little Blessings

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.  

Psalm 19:1

I stare at the sky quite a bit lately.  I'm not sure what I am looking for but there is something so peaceful and extraordinary about how it's ever changing but never ceases to take your breath away. There have been numerous times when I will come to a screeching halt in my car and pull over on a busy highway  to take a picture of the sky.  Usually it's of a "T" that the clouds have formed so perfectly.  I actually have this weird pain in my neck now that I think is a result of staring at the sky when I go running.  I'm sure I don't look like a crazy person at all.

Nathan came outside one night when I was standing in the middle of the backyard staring at the moon and the stars.  We just stood there staring.  There's an anticipation now that I've never known.  Maybe I just want a front row seat when the clouds depart for His return.  Maybe I am really taking that verse literally about "keeping watch."

Maybe it's knowing that this precious boy is sitting next to the one that controls the clouds, sun, moon, stars, and entire universe that I am trying to patiently live in right now.  All of a sudden, His creation around me is coming to life as I realize how He speaks through His works.

For the past couple of months now, I have been seeing white butterflies everywhere I go.  The very first thing I see in the morning when I look outside is a white butterfly.  When I go running, I will be praying and see a white butterfly.  I don't remember the last time when a day has gone by and I haven't seen one.

The moment I found out Meryn McCall went to be with Jesus, I went to the window, closed my eyes, and started praying.  When I opened them, there were two white butterflies in the window directly in front of me.
  

I finally decided to go figure out what the symbolism is for white butterflies.  I stared in disbelief at my computer and said out loud "you've got to be kidding me."  There were three definitions that immediately popped up in my google search.  Representation of past soul.  Guardian angel.  Resurrection.

So then I became obsessed with taking pictures of white butterflies.  To the point where I would sit outside in the grass with my camera in hand.  Just waiting.  I was with a group of friends one night where everyone was going on about what they did that day.  Then I realized there was no way of getting around saying that I spent my entire day looking at butterflies.

Another sweet blessing in our lives has been the births of our precious niece and nephew.

Adelynn McMahan

and Ven Phillips

I prayed for these two precious babies this morning.  That they would grow up to know Jesus and fulfill His purpose for their lives.  They are the sweetest things and such a reminder of His redeeming love.

I believe that God is good.  I believe that He is the Creator of all things.  I believe that He is in control.

Tucker would have been 18 months today.  Yes it is hard, but each second that goes by is one second closer to when I get to see him again.

Life Lately

So this past week has been unexpected.  That pretty much sums up life right now but I'm okay with that.  I've managed to turn 29 years old, babysit my newest nephew Ven in the ER while doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with my sister, take Ven to his first pediatric appointment, admit Ven into Washington Regional due to jaundice, pray hard for God to heal my sister, attend baby Meryn's memorial service in Little Rock, make it through Mother's Day without my little boy, and then praise God for healing my sister so she could spend mother's day with her little boy. 

There were times when I would sit there almost saying "really God" but then I envisioned Him saying back "yes, really Amy." 

That book I am reading, What Women Fear, Angie talks about Job's response to God, but what is even funnier is God's response to Job's response.  God responded to Job, "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?" 

There were a lot of triggers this past week.  But life still went on.  I continued to breathe, I continued to wake up each morning, I continued to laugh at times, I continued to cry at times, I continued to pray, I continued to ask God to be near.  He continues to be faithful so I am trying my hardest to do the same. 

If you have been around us lately, it is hard to escape a conversation where we have the whole group talking about heaven.  God has been revealing himself to us in ways that I never experienced before.  There used to be a disconnect when thinking of heaven and what it "might" be like and how it "most likely" will be really great.  He has opened our eyes through books we have read, dreams He has given us, and just plain showing up when we ask Him. 

I have gone back and tried to read some of my posts with an unbeliever perspective.  Just in case there are any out there.  I think the hardest part to grasp is how can I remain faithful when I prayed for Him to specifically not take my son, and He still did.  Honestly, I don't have an answer for that. 

All I know is that this is not our home, and I have never been so thankful for that.