my world

My world has been turned upside down in the best possible way.  I have twin boys and I have absolutely no idea what to do 80% of the time.  I love it. 

Gideon and Maximus are 3 months old and at their last appointment they had both made the charts for their actual age in weight and head circumference.  Gideon was almost at 10 lb. and Maximus was over 10 lb. 

They eat 4 oz every 3 hours but will go about 4-5 hours at night.  That’s pretty much where their schedule begins and ends.  They sleep so much during the day that I just let them sleep.  Play time usually turns into crying time because they both like to be held when awake.  This is part of that 80% where I have no idea what to do when this happens.

I attempted to hold both of them at the same time the other day by using the BrestFriend pillow, and we got stuck.  I almost had to call my neighbor/friend Amber to come help me get them down to safer ground.

I truly feel like they just came from heaven.  They are so special and my heart feels as if it’s going to burst at times. 

I’ve had people ask if it’s healing.

I knew all along that a baby is not going to replace the pain.  It won’t replace him.  It won’t erase the trauma that still creeps into my mind at times. 

But it brought about a joy that is riding alongside this journey with my pain. 

The boys have been doing great with very few health concerns.  Gideon still has a small hole in his heart but the cardiologist is not worried.  It is in a muscular area which should most likely grow back.  He is also still on his apnea monitor which I am surprised I haven’t thrown through the window yet.  He should be getting off of it this month due to no more episodes.

Max is free of health concerns.  He tends to be the one that thrives more quickly while Gideon isn’t one to show off. 

Max has actually rolled over a handful of times starting at about 2 months old. It is usually out of defiance when placed on his tummy.

Our pediatrician told us to still stay inside with no toddlers coming near them until their 4 month appointment.  This has been extremely difficult but then I guess going to target with 2 babies, one being on an apnea monitor that goes off randomly for no reason, might be kind of difficult too. 

I actually googled “how to take twins to Walmart.”

People have been so great and I am so thankful.  I have a huge pile of thank you cards sitting on my table that I work on every time I get a moment.  My issue is finding all the addresses now.  Just know that if you haven’t received one that you are not overlooked.  I am just a hot mess right now but will iron this out shortly. 

Max and Gidoen:

You are loved beyond words not just by me, but more importantly by your heavenly Father whom I am confident just sent you to me.  I see you staring around your room and I am sure you see your angels.  This world can be scary, the unknown is scary, but no matter the outcome, we have assurance in heaven.  Everyday I pray that whatever our journey is, your lives will be used to bring glory to His name.        

Unexpected Arrivals...

Look who decided to show up at 31 weeks with absolutely no warning.  Maximus Joshua and Gideon John were born on Sunday morning January 27th 2013.  Maximus weighed 3 lbs. 13 oz. and Gideon weighed 3 lbs. 10 oz.  Overall, they are doing great for being so early but are still in the NICU and will be there for another couple of weeks.  Everyone has been so great and I know people are wanting to know what happened.  Honestly, I have no idea!  But I will attempt to tell you their arrival story.  

On January 24, my doctor told me to "take it easy" from there on out.  Meaning, I was going to work half days and then work from home the rest of the day.  I spent Thursday and Friday getting everything set up at work to do that and feeling so excited and relieved that I could have some down time before the boys got here.  

Of course I decide to go to the Bentonville/Fayetteville game on Friday night and I am greeted by a huge flight of stairs.  I'm not sure where I've been but I had no idea where this new arena came from.  

When I get home, I'm watching my new obsession "24" and starting to realize that I am contacting.  My first thought is to ignore it because they don't hurt at all.  I finally decide to lay on the couch and time them while secretly chugging water so Nathan doesn't freak out.  Well he finally got suspicious and asked what I was doing.  Before I knew it, I was changing into an ER gown trying to convince a nurse that they don't hurt while thinking maybe I can finish my 24 episode before I go to bed that night.  

It was somewhat of a blur from there.  I was a 4 and 75% effaced and the contractions were 3 minutes apart.  I was on magnesium for the next 24 hours and was able to get two steroid shots to develop their lungs. 

Around 3:30 Sunday morning, my doctor said that she needed to go ahead and take them.  She checked me and not only had I progressed quite a bit, but Max kicked her.  I was wheeled in for an emergency C-Section and before I had time to even think about what was happening, I heard Maximus cry.  Exactly one minute later, I heard Gideon. 

The boys did great from the beginning.  Max had a little more difficulty breathing at first.  They both were on oxygen for about a week.  A week and half after birth, they were moved from the middle critical care part to their own room in the NICU.  They got their IV's out around that time as well.  For the past week they have been taking bottles like champs.  Maximus started taking a bottle about 2 weeks old.  Gideon took his first bottle at about 2.5 weeks old.  At almost 3 weeks old, they started wearing clothes and being weaned off of their isolates.  

They are now 3 weeks old and the next step is to be in an open crib which should happen pretty quickly.  As of today, Max weighs 4 lbs. 7 oz and Gideon is at 4 lbs. 4 oz.  

It's hard to get a clear answer in the NICU but we are estimating another 2 weeks until they get to come home.  This has been quite the unexpected journey, but if anyone knows about unexpected it is us.  I am at a point where I have become very accepting of what's to come.  Good and bad.  I have said numerous times that this world is not our home.  I am thankful that it is not Maximus and Gideon's home either.  

It is difficult to describe the fullness in my heart right now.  They are so precious to me in such a special way because they truly represent the goodness of God.  I will share more about what's on my heart but until then.....

2013

2012 is a year that will always be imprinted in my heart.  It was the last year our little boy was alive, it was the year he was taken from this world.  It was the year I met my Savior on a deeper level than what I knew was possible.  It was the year I found out we were having our sweet twin boys.  It was a year of great memories, painful memories, and a year of redemption. 

There is an internal battle that I struggle with in wanting to fight time, but also rejoicing as it passes.  You want to leave the trauma of that night, but you don’t want to leave the nearness you feel with that loved one. 

I write this with a heavy heart in not only thinking of my loss in 2012, but so many others starting a new year without a loved one.  It is my prayer that God covers the trauma and reveals his truth. 

“See, I will create a new heaven and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.”  Isaiah 65:17

I am thankful for a Savior that redeems the trauma and pain.  I am thankful that even though I still feel it at times, Tucker does not.  I am thankful that as I feel like I am leaving behind a piece of me as time continues on, in reality, it is a piece that is actually ahead of me.

Here’s to 2013.

Here’s to a God that is still on His throne.     

22ish weeks

I apologize.  I was not meant to be a mommy blogger if you haven't noticed already.  I take pictures every once in awhile when I can grab my husband's phone due to mine having everything in the world wrong with it.  I really don't document much....at all really.  I've never owned a baby book.  I'm still not exactly sure how much Tucker weighed at birth.  If you ask me when I started feeling the twins kick I will most likely say it was between 13 and 20 weeks or I will make something up.

However, I cherish every milestone and live in the moment.

Here's what I do know.  We are having twin BOYS. :)  As I said before, our prayer was for God to take this and let it be His.  I didn't even want to think about what I wanted or what I thought would be best or worst for us.  I was excited to see what he thought was best.  Our Lord gives and takes away.  It's painful, it's beautiful, and it's confusing, but blessed be His name.

Our little boys are thriving.  They are considered mono-di, but are growing as if they are di-di.  They are identical in size and always measuring a little ahead.  So far, the pregnancy has gone perfect.  They move around all the time and my stomach is expanding at an alarming rate.  Which is concerning when I start thinking about how this is going to be humanly possible.

I find myself praying for them numerous times a day.  Not out of panic or worry, but acceptance that they are His...not mine.  I love them so much and stare at their pictures thinking about their innocence to this world and the pain that comes with living in this world.  I pray that their lives would be used to reveal His glory...just like their big brother's life was used.

They have no idea the impact their lives have already had through God using them to reveal himself.

These two pictures are at 18 weeks.  Disregard the disgusting mirror please.  We don't clean the bottom half because Tucker's nose and hand prints are still on it.  I'm not sure what our excuse is for the top half.

This one is at 21 weeks

And here are the two little blessings themselves. :)

And this is what welcomed me on my way home from work the other day.  I love it when this happens.

Thanks to everyone for continuing to pray for us.  Nothing has gone unnoticed.  Everything has been read and reread and brought tears to my eyes.  I don't know if I will ever be able to express my gratitude the extent that I long to on this side of heaven.

Lots to be thankful for....

Rally

It has been a little over seven months since Tucker went to be with Jesus.  In seven months I have learned so much about this life we are living here on earth and the life I anticipate to live in heaven.  We were driving through the cemetery not too long ago, reading everybody’s stones while wondering what their story was.  I have grown to love the cemetery.  It is not morbid to me when you know what awaits you on the other side and to think of the many souls in that cemetery who are experiencing life as it was first meant to be. 

I’ve also been hit with an overwhelming feeling of sadness which leads to urgency.  My sadness stems from thinking of all the people in this world who really believe that this is it.  This world is all that life is about. 

After losing a son, that will just not do.  Not only will that just not do, but God has made sure to reveal to me that “our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Phil 3:20)  I’ve said from the very beginning, that every time I pray and plead with him on the “why” questions, the phrase that always pops in my head is “trust me.” 

So that is what I am doing.  Trusting that one day, when I walk into His kingdom and my eternity begins, that all the heartache, sadness, grief, and agony that we experienced in this world will be like “vapor that appeared for a little while, and then vanishes.” (James 4:14)

My urgency stems from wanting everyone to know Jesus before it’s too late.  I want Him to come back so badly, I was actually asking Him out loud every morning if today could please be the day.  He finally showed me this verse which I took as a big fat “have a little patience, Amy.” 

“And remember, our Lord’s patience gives people time to be saved.”  2 Peter 3:15

Got it.

I want the lost to come to Jesus just as much as I want Him to return and it looks like these two go hand in hand. 

I think it’s time to rally.    

12 Weeks

So here I am.  Twelve weeks pregnant with twins.  Talk about a whirlwind of freaking emotions.  I think the coolest thing so far has been how much our Lord's name has been glorified through announcing the life of these two precious little ones.
We were simply blown away by the response of everyone on facebook, this blog, phone calls, texts, and neighbors running into our house as soon as we announced it.  And there seemed to be a common theme.  No words, tears, and praises to God.  How cool is that.
We have been told that they are identical twins because they are in the same sac with one placenta.  So I did what they tell you not to do and started googling.  I came across crazy statistics of how uncommon this is, and then scary statistics of what could possibly happen.
At ten weeks, they could not find a membrane separating them which led us to see a specialist a week later.  That was somewhat of a long week.  We knew the risks involved if they couldn't find a membrane.  We read the statistics of survival.  I've discovered that statistics mean nothing to me anymore.
So we prayed.
At eleven weeks they found the membrane.  They were identical in size, and their heart rates were 178 and 180.  They were absolutely perfect.  They are classified as identical twins, mono-di, meaning they have two sacs but one placenta.
As for me and how I am feeling, it really hasn't been too bad.  It feels a lot like my pregnancy with Tucker.  I feel nauseous but don't throw up.  Nathan refers to me as a bear in hibernation so I guess I might be sleeping a lot.
One hard part is feeling as if my grief and hormones have had a head on collision.  It's hard to control your crying when you actually have something to cry about.  My ability to stay poised and collected while in public has gone out the window.  I was a weeping mess at church today.  We sang "Jesus Paid It All" which is the song we sang at Tucker's funeral.  We also sang "10,000 Reasons" which gets me going too.  Give me a song, a message, or a verse about Heaven and I'm on the verge of jumping up and down with excitement while being moved to tears.
Thank you all, for continuing to love us.  Thank you for praying for us and these special little blessings.  I think about heaven a lot and words cannot explain my excitement for eternity.  To see my Savior, my little boy, my whole family to be reunited, and then to think about getting to spend everyday with all of you lovely people....it's just wonderful.

His Faithfulness

I have struggled to write this post.  I feel like no words can quite articulate the depth of His goodness.  So here I am trying.  

We have known since July 20th that we are pregnant.  I wasn't prepared for the emotion as I stared at the pink positive sign while sitting on my bathtub.  I was thankful, I was scared, I was joyful, I was sad.  

It's an unnatural feeling when you are celebrating the new life within you while still mourning the life that just left you.

We have asked God all along that if He wants us to be parents again, for it to be in His timing.  

As we began to tell people, there was a lot of joy mixed with a lot of tears.  I began to pour out my heart over this child praying every possible prayer over this precious life.  

After early ultrasounds and blood work, all looked good.

I was on my way to meet Nathan for our 8 week appt. and I began praying out loud in the car.  I told God that it's just still really hard.  I told him that I don't even know what it would look like or take to be released from the pain and anguish that still resides in my heart, but please keep showing up for us.  I asked the Lord to make His presence known.

Next thing I know, our doctor, Nathan, and I are crying as we all three are staring at 2 precious little heartbeats on the screen.  

He showed up...again.

We are having identical twins.

I am in complete awe of His goodness and I can't seem to find the words to praise Him or even tell our story.  So for now, I just want to celebrate them and what they represent.  His faithfulness.