Tuesday, March 27, 2012

One "worldly" month

It's been one month. One month since that precious little boy went to be with his Maker. He got to wake up in the arms of the one who so intricately designed those sweet cheeks, jagged teeth, brown eyes, and hair that did nothing but fall in his face.

We are experiencing a pain right now that might be harder than the first initial pain of disbelief and trauma. This is the pain that is not going to go away. This is the pain that even in a joyful moment, you are quickly reminded that there is something missing and your heart just aches.

The only thing that seems to bring a little comfort is to simply stop and say "Jesus be near me."

It's hard to explain, but I don't think it was meant to be explained. For anyone who has truly experienced Jesus knows what I'm talking about. He is with you and wants more than anything to be with you. You just have to acknowledge Him.

I found myself taking great comfort in this verse this morning. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

That verse gives me chills. He knew. He knew the heart ache and troubles that we were going to experience in this world. And now my little boy sits with the One who conquered death.

I have never felt so stuck in a "worldly" world. But I choose to be here and fulfill the Lord's purpose until He takes me home. We are in constant prayer about what that purpose is while we continue to miss and grieve our son who is no longer with us.

Jesus also said to his disciples, "I am going away and I am coming back to you. If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I."

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Faith not Sight

I was discussing with a close friend of mine tonight about the deep yearning in my heart to see my baby boy again. I can smell him, I can hear his raspy voice, I can feel his oddly large hands, I can remember the joy in my heart when he gives me his big toothy grin with eyes squinting and all.

I've never felt this kind of longing before, but I should have. I am slowly realizing that this is the exact longing that Jesus desires from me. I've always known the verse "We live by faith, not by sight" but it has suddenly hit home. A little too hard.

Heaven has always been exciting to think about. I've always been excited when thinking about seeing my Savior face to face. But I don't recall ever having the heart wrenching ache where my whole body is physically and emotionally longing to see Him.

This is where the faith comes in, and not so much the sight. I was able to see Tucker. I physically felt him. I heard his voice. I didn't have to experience him through faith because he was there. Jesus on the other hand requires a great deal of faith to experience him.

Even though I have not physically seen Jesus with my eyes, He is there. I have not physically touched him, but He is there. As He is revealing Himself more and more to me, my heart is beginning to ache to see Him in a way I never knew was possible.

So this is my desire. Just in case you're interested.

I desire to long to see my Savior. Until that day comes, I will continue to try to live each day with a little more faith than the last.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Heart of a Daddy

God chose Nathan to be Tucker's daddy. This was not a mistake, a fluke, a coincidence. God knew that Tucker would only be with us for almost 15 months and that Nathan had every quality he wanted Tucker to have in an earthly daddy. I would love to share with you the heart of Tucker's daddy who I so proudly call my husband. This is the letter that Nathan wrote to his little boy and read at his funeral.

Dear Tucker,

Daddy loves you more than you could possibly know. Every day God gave us together was the most precious gift. I want you to know that you taught daddy how to love in a way that I never thought I could. You showed me unconditional love and what it means to have a joyful heart. I can never express how proud you made daddy!

Every night that I got to hold you and sing "Jesus Loves Me" made me eternally grateful to Jesus for giving you to me and mommy. I miss you so so much and I will ache until the day I get to see you again. Everything you did made me love you more!

I especially loved the mornings you would follow me around step for step as if you were my shadow always looking for something to get into. Fear could never overcome your curiosity or desire to get into something. Your tenacious and adventurous spirit was hard to contain.

Daddy always prayed over you that one day you would be a warrior for Jesus and the man I've hoped to be. And though I'm at a loss for understanding and my heart is broken, God answered my prayer. Your life has revealed the power of the body of Christ and shown people Jesus.

Daddy is having a hard time with the idea that I won't be able to play ball, or wrestle, or play blocks, or do free throws anymore. I could hardly wait to start teaching you how to shoot a basketball or hit a baseball. But these were always daddy's plans. Jesus had a different plan for your life. You are so precious to Him that He called you home so you could be together and be spared from the sin and brokenness of this world. And for now, I take comfort in this.

However, there will always be a part of mommy and daddy's heart missing until the day we get to see you again in Heaven. From now until that day, I will always be thinking about you! You are and always will be my Bubbs. And daddy is so proud of you!

I love you,


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Mighty Warrior

"The Lord is with you, Mighty Warrior." Judges 6:12
At this point I am sure everyone who reads this is aware that we lost our precious son Tucker a week ago on February 28th. Nothing can prepare you for that phone call, that tragic moment when you keep asking yourself "is this real?" That moment when the only thing you can do is cry out to the Lord in desperation to save your baby boy.

Tucker was a special one. Tucker will never have to experience the brokenness and sinfulness that comes with living in this world. Tucker is with Jesus. I ache for the day I will see him in my Savior's arms.

I never did well with writing on here and I probably still won't, but I know that we have an enormous amount of people praying for us and a lot of unanswered questions.

Last Tuesday I layed Tucker down for a nap around 5:00 pm. My last moments with him were him falling asleep in my arms and then laying him down in his crib. He woke up several times to look up at me as I was walking out but I rubbed his back until he finally fell asleep.

Nathan returned home from work around 6:30 and we talked about how Tucker seems to be catching a cold lately so we decided to just let him sleep for a little bit. I kissed Nathan goodbye as I headed out to coach a thirty minute private cheerleading lesson.

In the middle of my lesson, my phone rang. My neighbor was frantically telling me to come home and the only thing I said was "who is it?" Tucker. It was Tucker. That drive home was me screaming to the Lord "please don't take him" and an utter disbelief that this was happening.

Nathan decided he didn't want to wait for Tucker to wake, he was ready to see and play with his boy, only to find that when he touched him there was no response. I weep and cringe when I think what his daddy had to go through with trying to revive him on our living room carpet, the same carpet Tucker drags all his toys on to play. Our neighbor/friend Amber came over and did CPR on little Tuck before the medics showed up.

As I pulled up, Tucker was already inside the ambulance and they were still working on him. Neighbors I didn't even know were on their knees in our yard praying fervently. Once at the hospital, I somehow found my way back to the room where little Tuck was laying on the table in his diaper I remembered just changing while a team was around him attempting to bring him back to us. Nathan and I just held up our hands to God and cried out to him to please save our son.

I knew that when the Doctor started saying "anyone have any ideas" that it was over. I knew that are baby boy was with Jesus. We laid our hands on him, we prayed over him, we told him to be with Jesus, we kissed those sweet cheeks, we stroked that long hair, and then finally we sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him for the last time.

I sat in my kitchen a few days before Tucker passed and poured out my heart to the Lord. I remember I kept saying the phrase "Lord, just please let me him know you." I asked the Lord to start working in Tucker's little heart so the he may know the Lord and follow him. That's all I could ask for and the rest was up to the Lord on what he wanted to do with his life.

Tucker knows Jesus now. More than I do. The coroner explained to us that the cause of death was something so subtle that after eliminating every possible scenario nothing was making sense except to say it had to of been arrhythmia. The Lord decided to use tucker's little heart to take him to be with Him so that Tucker may know him.

We are confused, we are hurting, the pain feels unbearable at times, but then the Lord will show up in a very subtle way to remind us that He is here. Just like Tucker went to be with him in a subtle way.

The kingdom has never felt so close. It is our absolute desire for Tucker's life to be used to bring glory to our Lord's name. Nathan's prayer over Tucker was to be a warrior for Christ. We've never been so proud of him.

Words will never be able to express our experience with body of Christ that the Lord is using to envelope us in such a time as this. The outpouring of prayers and encouragement have played such a role in helping us cope through the pain and remember that Jesus has conquered death. This is not it.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It is not sufficient....but thank you.

In Christ and in Love,

Amy Hill