Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Mighty Warrior

"The Lord is with you, Mighty Warrior." Judges 6:12
At this point I am sure everyone who reads this is aware that we lost our precious son Tucker a week ago on February 28th. Nothing can prepare you for that phone call, that tragic moment when you keep asking yourself "is this real?" That moment when the only thing you can do is cry out to the Lord in desperation to save your baby boy.

Tucker was a special one. Tucker will never have to experience the brokenness and sinfulness that comes with living in this world. Tucker is with Jesus. I ache for the day I will see him in my Savior's arms.

I never did well with writing on here and I probably still won't, but I know that we have an enormous amount of people praying for us and a lot of unanswered questions.

Last Tuesday I layed Tucker down for a nap around 5:00 pm. My last moments with him were him falling asleep in my arms and then laying him down in his crib. He woke up several times to look up at me as I was walking out but I rubbed his back until he finally fell asleep.

Nathan returned home from work around 6:30 and we talked about how Tucker seems to be catching a cold lately so we decided to just let him sleep for a little bit. I kissed Nathan goodbye as I headed out to coach a thirty minute private cheerleading lesson.

In the middle of my lesson, my phone rang. My neighbor was frantically telling me to come home and the only thing I said was "who is it?" Tucker. It was Tucker. That drive home was me screaming to the Lord "please don't take him" and an utter disbelief that this was happening.

Nathan decided he didn't want to wait for Tucker to wake, he was ready to see and play with his boy, only to find that when he touched him there was no response. I weep and cringe when I think what his daddy had to go through with trying to revive him on our living room carpet, the same carpet Tucker drags all his toys on to play. Our neighbor/friend Amber came over and did CPR on little Tuck before the medics showed up.

As I pulled up, Tucker was already inside the ambulance and they were still working on him. Neighbors I didn't even know were on their knees in our yard praying fervently. Once at the hospital, I somehow found my way back to the room where little Tuck was laying on the table in his diaper I remembered just changing while a team was around him attempting to bring him back to us. Nathan and I just held up our hands to God and cried out to him to please save our son.

I knew that when the Doctor started saying "anyone have any ideas" that it was over. I knew that are baby boy was with Jesus. We laid our hands on him, we prayed over him, we told him to be with Jesus, we kissed those sweet cheeks, we stroked that long hair, and then finally we sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him for the last time.

I sat in my kitchen a few days before Tucker passed and poured out my heart to the Lord. I remember I kept saying the phrase "Lord, just please let me him know you." I asked the Lord to start working in Tucker's little heart so the he may know the Lord and follow him. That's all I could ask for and the rest was up to the Lord on what he wanted to do with his life.

Tucker knows Jesus now. More than I do. The coroner explained to us that the cause of death was something so subtle that after eliminating every possible scenario nothing was making sense except to say it had to of been arrhythmia. The Lord decided to use tucker's little heart to take him to be with Him so that Tucker may know him.

We are confused, we are hurting, the pain feels unbearable at times, but then the Lord will show up in a very subtle way to remind us that He is here. Just like Tucker went to be with him in a subtle way.

The kingdom has never felt so close. It is our absolute desire for Tucker's life to be used to bring glory to our Lord's name. Nathan's prayer over Tucker was to be a warrior for Christ. We've never been so proud of him.

Words will never be able to express our experience with body of Christ that the Lord is using to envelope us in such a time as this. The outpouring of prayers and encouragement have played such a role in helping us cope through the pain and remember that Jesus has conquered death. This is not it.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It is not sufficient....but thank you.

In Christ and in Love,

Amy Hill


  1. love you little sis. We will all miss little Tuck so bad!! like you said...praise the Lord this is not the end. Love you!

  2. Love you very much, sweet friend. I'm so sorry that your heart aches so badly.

  3. Love you and Nathan, thank you for sharing your sweet little Tucker with all of us. And Praise the Lord we will all see him again!

    1. Oh, Amy. I know we barely know each other, but you have been in my prayers constantly this past week. Tucker's funeral was beautiful and you & Nate's faithfulness, trust in God's plan, and love for your little man were the perfect tribute. I pray God continues to hold you close until the day He makes everything new again.

  4. Amy,
    God has already brought good from this at least in my life. I have been reminded to never take any moment for granted with my little one who is 21 months old. I have also been reminded that she is the Lord's who can do whatever He wishes with her. My heart aches for you all and I have been praying (and weeping!) for you since I found out about it. Your response is amazing and God will bless you and Nathan for your trust in Him. I too long for heaven. Your sweet Tucker is with my brother Marshall up there!

    Heidi Ballek (Blanca's friend)

  5. We are still praying continuously for you guys. We hate that you guys are going through this! (<--understatement of the year...our hearts are broken for you and your famlies) You all are giving God so much glory through your faith and testimony during this time.

  6. Sweet Amy, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts so vulnerably with us. Since hearing about Tucker, the one verse that keeps coming to my mind is 1 Thess 4:13, where Paul urges the Thessalonians not "to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." That verse has been so evident in you and your entire family; though your hearts are grieving deeply, you are grieving with the hope of the kingdom, which we are experiencing in part here on earth and will experience in full someday with Tucker. Praise the Lord! Until that sweet day, friend, you are in my prayers!

  7. You don't know me, but I was reading another blog and they mentioned y'all and I just wanted to let you know I've been praying for y'all and will continue to. There are no words that can help this kind of loss, but just know that from Springfield, MO I have been changed by Tucker and will think of y'all often.

  8. Nathan and Amy,

    Please know that we have been praying for you all daily ever since we got the news of your sweet baby boy. I truly hope that all of the prayers that are being said for you are felt like a giant heavenly hug from God. What a glorious day it will be when you reunite with him in heaven as our Father smiles upon you!

    Jerry and Amy Reith

  9. Amy,
    I don't think you know me but we graduated high school together. I was devastated for you and Nathan when I heard about your precious Tucker. So many prayers have been uttered on your behalf and we will continue them in the days to come. May you feel God's loving arms around you at this difficult time.

  10. Amy, you don't know me either, I went to JBU with both of your sisters and had your dad as a professor. I have been praying so much for you and your family. My heart aches for you. Your faith is so strong and such a witness to the power of Christ. God bless you and your family!

  11. Praying for you and your husband today Amy. (A friend passed this on to me, I lived next door to you in Mayfield)

  12. Amy, I have been sharing your comments with others and will continue to do so, including those on the blog by Melissa. Without question, God is using you and Nathan and your family to impact people in a significant way. Thanks for being transparent and sharing not only the pain but the joy of your relationship with Christ. We love you! Jerry & Brenda

  13. Hi Amy we don't know each other either. I have a close friend who grew up in Fort Smith and told me of your loss. Your love for Christ shows in your post and Tucker was so blessed to have you as parents!! I sit here searching my mind for words of comfort and I come up lost. I thought I would be better at this as I was recently on the receiving end of similar messages as we lost our daughter last summer, she lives for 29 days. I know there is so much peace knowing Tucker is in heaven!! But unfortunately it doesn't always ease the pain he is not here on earth with you. I wish you peace and comfort in the months to come as grieving such a loss is never complete.
    Emily Moll

  14. Amy, I met you at your wedding. Our son Jeff was a childhood friend of Nathan's and a roommate at college. We are so very sad that you are having to go through this. Your faith will help you get through the next few days, months and years. Memories of little Tucker will give you joy and will help put a smile on your face.

    Carol Sparks

  15. love you amy and nate. i'll never stop praying for your hearts. grief inexplicable. yet, hope inexplicable too as you so beautifully wrote. for some reason today i think about enoch and elisha the men that walked with God whom He took to be with Him...leaning into that picture today of Tucker walking with Jesus and then seeing His face. Praying your arms fill full amidst the empty somehow today.


  16. Dear Amy,
    I randomly stumbled upon your blog and found myself reading from the most recent blog to this post about how your sweet Tucker died. I am so sorry! I was drawn to your story because in the last few months found out we're having triplets. Of course like you shared the emotions are all over the place... excited, scared...trusting the Lord but asking Him to help your unbelief that we will figure out how to go from no children to 3!! Then the sickness started... I was really sick... and then we lost one of our babies. I would have never understood what someone that has a miscarriage goes through and would have never understood how painful and difficult it really is. To love three and then to realize one went to be with Jesus is really hard!!! We are now almost 15 weeks pregnant with our twin boys and I am no long so so so sick... The Lord as I am so sure he has in your case also has given me so many opportunities to share how faithful my sweet Jesus is and if it werent for him... I don't know where I would be!!! Sorry this is so long :) Really I just wanted to say thank you for encouraging my (a stranger's) heart with your story!
    A Sister in Christ...