I think the most common question, understandably so, is "how are we doing." It's a hard question to answer because we can say "okay" and mean it, but it's not the same "okay" as we once were before our world was turned upside down.
We have a very close family friend who lost his daughter about a year and a half ago in a tragic car accident. I was in Big Lots the day I found out, and I still remember the feeling of horror every time I pass that store and have yet to go back there. This past summer we met them in Destin and listened. Our hearts broke for them and I tried to envision what that would be like to lose Tucker. I couldn't. He told me a few days after Tucker died that we would be redefining normal. This completely makes sense to me now.
I am realizing that there is a choice that I have to make daily. I can think worldly or I can think eternal. I can be sad and stay fixated on the things that Tucker and I used to do in this world, or I can choose to believe that the Lord has prepared a place for us and "to depart with Him is far better than staying on Earth."
It doesn't make sense to me because my world seemed pretty perfect when we ate our oatmeal together everyday. When he would say "bweakfast" first thing in the morning. When the only thing that woke me up for a year was his sweet little voice through the baby monitor. When he would lay his little head on my shoulder. When he would take turns cuddling with me and Nathan all throughout the night that last month he was alive. When he would say "pwease" to everything he possibly wanted. When he would run at me full force knocking me over only to find it the most funny thing in the whole world. When daddy would do free throws with him and he couldn't contain his giggles. When he would be a walking dance party every time he heard music. When we would whisper the word "bath" and he dropped everything and ran for the bathtub. When he would say "mama" and "dada" with his head nod.
Seems pretty perfect. But it's not. As Paul said, "to live is Christ, to die is gain." He got it. He endured a lot of suffering but he was purposeful with his remaining days here on earth. It is my prayer to grasp this too. These are NOT just words of comfort that we cling to in times of trouble to make us feel better. These are absolute truths and promises that come from our Maker who IS going to return to us.
Easter. Another common question, "was Easter hard?" Understandable question, but the Lord carried us that day. It was my specific prayer for the Lord to remind us every moment of that day that this is why we can celebrate and have eternal hope. This is why we can be joyful. This is why we can go on living and trusting Him. Every time my gaze fell towards cute kiddos running around in their Easter outfits, hunting eggs and shoving candy in their mouth, I would simply say "remind me Lord." And He did.
I definitely still have hard moments. I've enjoyed being at home during my days. Some people don't understand this but it's truly healing for me to have time to myself, with the Lord and face my fears head on. I have a found my home to be a safe haven again like it once was. It is the place with all the joyful memories of Tucker but also the place where his presence is missing. This has been challenging but I have found the Lord restores.
There are triggers that will suddenly make me burst into tears at times. Usually by myself. I have an entire family who all happen to be psychotherapists who can validate the normalcy in this. Triggers can be anything such as seeing his jug of apple juice in the fridge that I can't bring myself to throw away, or driving by walmart and not wanting to go in because he is not with me, to having to say the phrase "endotracheal intubation" three times to the billing department at the hospital.
We took a trip to Colorado a few weeks ago. A wonderful family offered their house in Crested Butte to us for a week. I found myself thinking about God and Tucker quite a bit as I stared in awe at how artistic and creative our Lord is. In our human heads, it just doesn't get much better than this. That is why Heaven is so amazing to think about. We can't even fathom how beautiful and perfect it is.
This has turned out to be longer than most posts. Nathan is out of town tonight so I felt like writing. One last thing, I can't think of the words that fully reflect our hearts and the gratitude that we feel for each and every single person who has been a part of this story. I have prayed for the Lord to help me in showing my appreciation to each of you. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for loving Tucker. Thanks for caring enough to read this incredibly scattered blog. :)