I have experienced a handful of times now where I feel like the Lord just shows up. Usually He involves the sun in some way. The first time this happened, I was driving and one of those triggers took place. I think it was Walmart. I was blinded by tears the entire way home and repeated the phrase "remind me that he's with you." I stumbled out to our hammock in the backyard and layed down with my eyes closed still repeating that phrase. I must have said it about twenty times and all of a sudden, I felt such a warmth on my face as the sun decided to come out for the first time that day. I layed there with my eyes closed feeling the brightness and the warmth cover me. All I could do was smile. It lasted about fifteen seconds and then it was gone. All I could say was "thank you."
Nathan and I went up to Mount Sequoya one evening to watch the sunset. If you live in Fayetteville, you know personally how beautiful this spot is and chances are you might have been up there the same evening. I turned around to find a sweet old man taking a picture from behind us. I tried to move so he could get a clear shot and he yelled "No! Ya'll stay right where you are." The sweet old man came up to show us the picture he took of us and asked if he could take one with our camera for us to have. Little did sweet old man know that the Lord was truly using him in this moment to capture a picture that spoke so dear to our hearts. Little did he know that our precious little boy was sitting next to the artist who painted this picture.
There have been two times now where I will pull up to the cemetery with the sun behind a dark cloud. As soon as I walk up to Tucker's spot, the sun has come out from behind the cloud and appears to be shining directly down on me.
So as you can see from the pictures above, I have quite the obsession now of taking pictures of the sun. I find myself drawn to it. I actually watch sunrises now from my backyard. Part of this is due to the fact that I am doing a 5:30am bootcamp for some reason.
One more thing...
The girls in my community group decided to start reading this book and meet once a month to discuss a chapter. The first and last time I had met with them to discuss it was the night before Tucker died. Tucker and I went that day to the bookstore to buy the book. He sat up on the counter as I paid for it smiling at the clerk as people commented on what a cute boy he was. We went home and played outside in the backyard while I ate hummus and carrots and he said "pwease" twenty times for another graham cracker. As I got into the hammock to start reading the book, he ran over and reached out his arms for me to pick him up. I put him in the hammock with me while I read, only to look down moments later to find him cuddled up asleep. I stood up holding him thinking I will go lay him down. He opened his eyes suddenly, so I decided to just let him sleep next to me. And he did. He slept cuddled up to me while I read the first two chapters of "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith. Little did I know that this author and I were about to have something in common.
Last week was the first time since then that the girls decided to meet again. I knew what this meant. I was going to have face the book, the hammock, and the same discussions with a completely different outlook on fear now. I walked out to the hammock that day gripping my book, gritting my teeth, and telling myself to remember to breathe as I was trying not be so aware of what was missing. I sat down and closed my eyes as I asked Jesus to be near me. I opened the book to chapter 4 and started reading. The very first page had this verse,
"The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."