Friday, June 29, 2012


It has been tugging at my mind, my heart, the very essence of my soul.  Who was he talking to?  That is the question that has been lingering in my mind since that night. 

Tucker had been doing it for awhile but towards the end it became so obvious and clear that he was having a conversation with something/someone unseen that brought about an unmistakable pure joy. 

The most significant time was the Saturday right before he died on Tuesday.  My sister Kristen and I sat in the living room watching him have a complete conversation.  He was laughing, he was answering, he was pausing and looking intently at something/someone that would have been about is height.  He would wait….and then he would respond.  We didn’t understand a word he was saying but he acted like it was clear as day.  We didn’t understand what was so funny, but I’ve never seen him so joyful.

I remember saying several times, “Tucker, who are you talking to you??”  He would look at me with those big brown eyes and then give me his big “squinty eye” laugh. 

Could it just be….they were getting to know him.

One of my biggest struggles through this grieving process is when my mind starts forming images of that night.  When any thought or image of that night comes to mind the only word that I can think of is agony. 

I have witnessed panic attacks, I have helped people deal with their stress, I am usually as calm as they come.  But images of that night can bring me to my knees, leaving me gasping for air, and literally having to remind myself how to breathe again. 

There is no coping skill in the books that can get you through that image. That’s where God comes in.

Within the last month I have come across this verse several times.  The way my body reacts when I see it, it is as if the very voice of God is whispering in my ear.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones.  For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”  Matthew 18:10

Could it be….his angels were here.

“Therefore, angels are only servants—spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation.”  Hebrews 1:14

Were they preparing him?

Then there is Luke 16:22.  Jesus says, “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side.”

To think, the army of heaven, God’s own ministering spirits, getting to know Tucker, talking to him, laughing with him, and carrying him home to the very presence of the Father.

The moment that brings haunting images to my mind is the moment that Tucker was made alive in Christ and ushered by his angels into the presence of God and His eternal kingdom. 

What a moment that was. 

How can a moment like that bring so much torment to one’s mind here on earth, but bring such joy on the other side.  I sat in his room, just taking in the thought that the presence of God was alive in this place.  To think that we were possibly entertaining angels and didn’t know it.

After having all these thoughts and coming across these verses, I came across an article of a little boy who was dying from cancer.  Some pictures that were taken of him on a hayride came back with white spots surrounding the child.  The child was very matter-of-fact and stated that those were his angels that had been with him for quite some time.  


I just love it :)


  1. Not everyone can verbalize or write about their innermost feelings, but I am grateful that you spill your heart out to so many others who will get just a small glimpse of how these circumstances affect you and therefore give insight to those who love you dearly and for those people whom you've never met who read your blog. Thank you, Amy, for giving of yourself and always....always, looking to the Word and your heavenly Father for strength and comfort as you obviously point others to Him! I believe your Hebrews reference applies to angels for you, too! Much love! Marian

  2. Beautiful.... Thank you for sharing...

  3. I came across your blog and wanted to say that my heart aches for you. Im a mommy to four. My youngest are 16 month old girls, and I can't imagine what you are going through. Your faith is inspiring, and I pray that you continue clinging to Him and continue to find peace and comfort through Him. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. God bless you.

  4. Hi! Great site! I'm trying to find an email address to contact you on to ask if you would please consider adding a link to my website. I'd really appreciate if you could email me back.

    Thanks and have a great day!