Happy Birthday Tucker

I woke up yesterday with plans in mind.  Then I realized I couldn't move.  The boys have gotten big and somewhere in the middle of carrying them in their carriers and bending to put them down in their cribs, I managed to pull a muscle in my back.  It's been bothering me for days, but yesterday, the day I had made plans to celebrate Tucker's 3rd birthday, was the day it became excruciating.
So my plans of pancakes, decorating the Tucker tree for his old room, going to the cemetery to take pictures with the boys in the snow, all came to a crashing halt.
Instead, I was very still.
And then I realized this is exactly what the Lord wanted from me.  He has this way of pointing out scripture to me when He is trying to tell me something.  I sat quietly in my living room, staring out my window at the blanket of snow covering his creation, as I found my way to Isaiah.
"The Lord says,  My thoughts are not like your thoughts.  Your ways are not like my ways.  Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
Sometimes I have the urge to work hard here on earth to make sure his life was not meaningless and that he is significant.  But I'm learning...
He's with Jesus.  That is significant enough.
I was hoping to start traditions yesterday that we can do on his birthday each year.  But once again, God is showing me that my plans are not His plans.  And instead, I spent a whole afternoon talking to the One who is actually with Tucker on his birthday.
Now that's a party.

Happy 3rd Birthday Tucker!  Your new life with Jesus has impacted so many lives and I am so proud of you.  All of your little friends have wished you happy birthday and are talking about you....Cooper even brought muffins this morning in the snow!  You are missed and loved beyond words, but we are all so jealous that you are home.  Can't wait to be home with you!

4 whole months

Maximus and Gideon turned 4 months old two days ago.  It amazes me to think back to 4 months ago when I was laying in my hospital bed while they were upstairs in the NICU.  I had no idea what their journey was going to be and what health concerns we were looking at.  I prayed fervently for them and needless to say, our God is good.
We went to their 4 month appointment a little early, but they were both weighing in at 13 lbs.  This put them around the 25th percentile for their actual age.  They have reached several of their milestones such as cooing, rolling over every once in awhile, kicking, and scooting around.
They still eat every 3 hours and have managed to sleep through the night a few times now.  I am so ready for this to be consistent.
They look so much alike that I actually managed to get them mixed up for an entire day.
Mom-of-the-Year.
We are finally getting out of the house now and I even figured out how to take them to Walmart.  I also figured out that I will not be making many Walmart trips with them if I can help it.
I have learned how to roll through stop signs and will most likely get a speeding ticket sometime soon due to them not wanting to stop or slow down in the car.
They are great and my days are absolutely consumed with them.  I have been in a such a "baby mode" that I almost took a jumbo pack of diapers to give to the bride at her bridal shower.  Thankfully Nathan caught this in time and reminded me that she was getting married, not having a baby.
So yes, these last 4 months have been absolute chaos but also so redeeming.
Sometimes I just start shaking my head in disbelief when I think of the timeline of this journey.  It makes me truly understand that the only one who could have written this story is God himself.
On February 28th 2012, I went to bed that night with a paralyzing pain, asking God to not let me wake up in the morning.  Exactly one year later, I brought home my twin boys from the hospital.
He really does know what He's doing.

Children

When I envision heaven, I think of all the joys the Lord gave us here on earth just magnified to whole new level.  One of those joys is children.
I want to live in a paradise where children are laughing, babies are cooing, little feet are pitter pattering, and little hands are playing.
It would only make sense that a perfect eternity would have sweet children in it.
Then I came to the realization that the only way for children to make up heaven is for them to leave this earth as children.
This part is appalling to us.  Nothing in this world is more painful than losing a child.
Jesus made it clear when He spent time on this earth how much he loved children.  He said himself that they will see the kingdom.
I have struggled so much with why Tucker was taken so abruptly from us.  I struggle when I hear of other parents going through the same thing.  I struggle when I hear of innocent little lives being taken by pure evil.  I struggle when I hear of these precious little ones being taken by natural disasters.
But I don't think these children were made for earth.  What is so special is that heaven gained what Jesus talked about loving so much.
Our little children were made to be heaven's children.
It doesn't make it easier on us, but there is surely something special about that.

my world

My world has been turned upside down in the best possible way.  I have twin boys and I have absolutely no idea what to do 80% of the time.  I love it. 

Gideon and Maximus are 3 months old and at their last appointment they had both made the charts for their actual age in weight and head circumference.  Gideon was almost at 10 lb. and Maximus was over 10 lb. 

They eat 4 oz every 3 hours but will go about 4-5 hours at night.  That’s pretty much where their schedule begins and ends.  They sleep so much during the day that I just let them sleep.  Play time usually turns into crying time because they both like to be held when awake.  This is part of that 80% where I have no idea what to do when this happens.

I attempted to hold both of them at the same time the other day by using the BrestFriend pillow, and we got stuck.  I almost had to call my neighbor/friend Amber to come help me get them down to safer ground.

I truly feel like they just came from heaven.  They are so special and my heart feels as if it’s going to burst at times. 

I’ve had people ask if it’s healing.

I knew all along that a baby is not going to replace the pain.  It won’t replace him.  It won’t erase the trauma that still creeps into my mind at times. 

But it brought about a joy that is riding alongside this journey with my pain. 

The boys have been doing great with very few health concerns.  Gideon still has a small hole in his heart but the cardiologist is not worried.  It is in a muscular area which should most likely grow back.  He is also still on his apnea monitor which I am surprised I haven’t thrown through the window yet.  He should be getting off of it this month due to no more episodes.

Max is free of health concerns.  He tends to be the one that thrives more quickly while Gideon isn’t one to show off. 

Max has actually rolled over a handful of times starting at about 2 months old. It is usually out of defiance when placed on his tummy.

Our pediatrician told us to still stay inside with no toddlers coming near them until their 4 month appointment.  This has been extremely difficult but then I guess going to target with 2 babies, one being on an apnea monitor that goes off randomly for no reason, might be kind of difficult too. 

I actually googled “how to take twins to Walmart.”

People have been so great and I am so thankful.  I have a huge pile of thank you cards sitting on my table that I work on every time I get a moment.  My issue is finding all the addresses now.  Just know that if you haven’t received one that you are not overlooked.  I am just a hot mess right now but will iron this out shortly. 

Max and Gidoen:

You are loved beyond words not just by me, but more importantly by your heavenly Father whom I am confident just sent you to me.  I see you staring around your room and I am sure you see your angels.  This world can be scary, the unknown is scary, but no matter the outcome, we have assurance in heaven.  Everyday I pray that whatever our journey is, your lives will be used to bring glory to His name.        

Unexpected Arrivals...

Look who decided to show up at 31 weeks with absolutely no warning.  Maximus Joshua and Gideon John were born on Sunday morning January 27th 2013.  Maximus weighed 3 lbs. 13 oz. and Gideon weighed 3 lbs. 10 oz.  Overall, they are doing great for being so early but are still in the NICU and will be there for another couple of weeks.  Everyone has been so great and I know people are wanting to know what happened.  Honestly, I have no idea!  But I will attempt to tell you their arrival story.  

On January 24, my doctor told me to "take it easy" from there on out.  Meaning, I was going to work half days and then work from home the rest of the day.  I spent Thursday and Friday getting everything set up at work to do that and feeling so excited and relieved that I could have some down time before the boys got here.  

Of course I decide to go to the Bentonville/Fayetteville game on Friday night and I am greeted by a huge flight of stairs.  I'm not sure where I've been but I had no idea where this new arena came from.  

When I get home, I'm watching my new obsession "24" and starting to realize that I am contacting.  My first thought is to ignore it because they don't hurt at all.  I finally decide to lay on the couch and time them while secretly chugging water so Nathan doesn't freak out.  Well he finally got suspicious and asked what I was doing.  Before I knew it, I was changing into an ER gown trying to convince a nurse that they don't hurt while thinking maybe I can finish my 24 episode before I go to bed that night.  

It was somewhat of a blur from there.  I was a 4 and 75% effaced and the contractions were 3 minutes apart.  I was on magnesium for the next 24 hours and was able to get two steroid shots to develop their lungs. 

Around 3:30 Sunday morning, my doctor said that she needed to go ahead and take them.  She checked me and not only had I progressed quite a bit, but Max kicked her.  I was wheeled in for an emergency C-Section and before I had time to even think about what was happening, I heard Maximus cry.  Exactly one minute later, I heard Gideon. 

The boys did great from the beginning.  Max had a little more difficulty breathing at first.  They both were on oxygen for about a week.  A week and half after birth, they were moved from the middle critical care part to their own room in the NICU.  They got their IV's out around that time as well.  For the past week they have been taking bottles like champs.  Maximus started taking a bottle about 2 weeks old.  Gideon took his first bottle at about 2.5 weeks old.  At almost 3 weeks old, they started wearing clothes and being weaned off of their isolates.  

They are now 3 weeks old and the next step is to be in an open crib which should happen pretty quickly.  As of today, Max weighs 4 lbs. 7 oz and Gideon is at 4 lbs. 4 oz.  

It's hard to get a clear answer in the NICU but we are estimating another 2 weeks until they get to come home.  This has been quite the unexpected journey, but if anyone knows about unexpected it is us.  I am at a point where I have become very accepting of what's to come.  Good and bad.  I have said numerous times that this world is not our home.  I am thankful that it is not Maximus and Gideon's home either.  

It is difficult to describe the fullness in my heart right now.  They are so precious to me in such a special way because they truly represent the goodness of God.  I will share more about what's on my heart but until then.....

2013

2012 is a year that will always be imprinted in my heart.  It was the last year our little boy was alive, it was the year he was taken from this world.  It was the year I met my Savior on a deeper level than what I knew was possible.  It was the year I found out we were having our sweet twin boys.  It was a year of great memories, painful memories, and a year of redemption. 

There is an internal battle that I struggle with in wanting to fight time, but also rejoicing as it passes.  You want to leave the trauma of that night, but you don’t want to leave the nearness you feel with that loved one. 

I write this with a heavy heart in not only thinking of my loss in 2012, but so many others starting a new year without a loved one.  It is my prayer that God covers the trauma and reveals his truth. 

“See, I will create a new heaven and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.”  Isaiah 65:17

I am thankful for a Savior that redeems the trauma and pain.  I am thankful that even though I still feel it at times, Tucker does not.  I am thankful that as I feel like I am leaving behind a piece of me as time continues on, in reality, it is a piece that is actually ahead of me.

Here’s to 2013.

Here’s to a God that is still on His throne.